Here's a one I'd rather not post, but if this is to be an honest diary of my spiritual progress then it must go in.
Let me confess to you reader that I'm battling an on-going pattern of sin in my life that has me defeated, feeling hopeless, and confused about why I don't seem to be tapping into the well spring of His strength that I'm given to understand is to deliver me. I have no human resource by which to combat this thing in me, and the enemy is able to use it to great effect to isolate me from my Savior and keep me focused on the world and not on His kingdom.
My question is: when I call out to Him in that moment, why does he consistently choose not to help me? Is there something lacking in my relationship with Him, or is He, with infinite understanding, simply letting me work it out for myself for now? So many other areas in my life show clear evidence of His intervention. My marriage and my feelings toward Melanie have been revolutionized. He's given me strength and calm in the midst of a life-threatening illness. I see improvement everywhere in my life, but to this one thing I'm a slave.
I know I'm forgiven. Paul himself dealt with the struggle between flesh and spirit in Romans 7:15 - For what I am doing , I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. He goes on to thank God for the saving grace of Christ. So do I, but...
...It's not fear of condemnation that has me up at nearly one a.m. mulling over this thing as the fact that this sinful nature separates me from my Father. I want nothing so much as I want intimacy with Him. I be drawn closer to Him. To simply bask in His light. But when the critical moment arrives, and I find sin calling out to me, offering a false path; a deceitful and easy path; I find that there is no willpower within me. But calling out to Him hasn't yet yielded any spiritual strength in this matter.
I'll be as honest as I can here: in my darker moments it's enough to make me doubt my salvation. I know that the enemy delights in that. I ignore that voice. And I know my heart, and my plea to have Christ dwell in me couldn't have been more sincere. He assures me that I'm His.
This moment brings another chance. I've confessed and asked for forgiveness, and now I pray that He will
deliver me from the moment next time it comes around. And I pray he fully open my eyes to the nature of this thing (it's source is obvious), and my complicity with it. Show me myself, Father, however painful it might be. Help me kill this lizard on my shoulder once and for all.*
*a reference from C.S. Lewis' "The Great Divorce"
Let me confess to you reader that I'm battling an on-going pattern of sin in my life that has me defeated, feeling hopeless, and confused about why I don't seem to be tapping into the well spring of His strength that I'm given to understand is to deliver me. I have no human resource by which to combat this thing in me, and the enemy is able to use it to great effect to isolate me from my Savior and keep me focused on the world and not on His kingdom.
My question is: when I call out to Him in that moment, why does he consistently choose not to help me? Is there something lacking in my relationship with Him, or is He, with infinite understanding, simply letting me work it out for myself for now? So many other areas in my life show clear evidence of His intervention. My marriage and my feelings toward Melanie have been revolutionized. He's given me strength and calm in the midst of a life-threatening illness. I see improvement everywhere in my life, but to this one thing I'm a slave.
I know I'm forgiven. Paul himself dealt with the struggle between flesh and spirit in Romans 7:15 - For what I am doing , I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. He goes on to thank God for the saving grace of Christ. So do I, but...
...It's not fear of condemnation that has me up at nearly one a.m. mulling over this thing as the fact that this sinful nature separates me from my Father. I want nothing so much as I want intimacy with Him. I be drawn closer to Him. To simply bask in His light. But when the critical moment arrives, and I find sin calling out to me, offering a false path; a deceitful and easy path; I find that there is no willpower within me. But calling out to Him hasn't yet yielded any spiritual strength in this matter.
I'll be as honest as I can here: in my darker moments it's enough to make me doubt my salvation. I know that the enemy delights in that. I ignore that voice. And I know my heart, and my plea to have Christ dwell in me couldn't have been more sincere. He assures me that I'm His.
This moment brings another chance. I've confessed and asked for forgiveness, and now I pray that He will
deliver me from the moment next time it comes around. And I pray he fully open my eyes to the nature of this thing (it's source is obvious), and my complicity with it. Show me myself, Father, however painful it might be. Help me kill this lizard on my shoulder once and for all.*
*a reference from C.S. Lewis' "The Great Divorce"
Chip, thank you for commenting on my blog post. Harbinger is already on my reading list! lol Thank you, too for your honesty in your post above. I think we all struggle with sin in our life, but we are too ashamed or prideful to admit it. You already know the enemy is attacking you in your weakest point. I think sometimes God is silent so we will seek Him out. You stay strong, brother! I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDelete