Would You Like Some Cheese To Go With That Whine, Hugh?

Ephesians 4:14,15 - Be no longer children, but grow up in Christ.

This one gets a little personal:
   There still exists within me a petulant child who thrives on self-pity, indolence, spite, resentment, and anger. It's the self-same aspect of my character that has crippled me throughout my adult life and undermined every effort on my part to realize my potential as a man with my particular set of abilities. It's that voice that justifies cowardice and laziness within my mind when the moment calls for courage and diligence. The temper that lashes out childishly at the least criticism. The rage that bubbles up from deep within so easily. The whisper that keeps me planted in my pew rather than shouting the gospel to the rafters. The thief of my self-confidence. The fog that obscures the finish line and causes it to seem impossibly unattainable. The poison that reminds me that I am, after all, Hugh Owens - notorious loser-nothing and joke.
    I despise this part of me, and I've felt at times that I was at last putting a some distance between the regenerated Christian man and that old, ineffective self. But always, always, always I find myself responding to life's slings and arrows in the same old way, and then afterwards I realize that what had seemed like progress was only a brief period of relative easy going that didn't really challenge me and therefore didn't trigger the re-emergence of that guy. Fair skies and calm seas don't put a boat to the test.
    So, how do I put this child away forever? Why is he so tenacious - following me even into late middle age? Christ tells me that I'm no longer a slave to the old self, and that I can shake off those shackles any time. But in that critical moment it's soooooooo difficult to remember this and to tap into His power in order to bring forth the humility to counter my wounded pride and the forgiveness to counter my churlish resentment.
    I've written more than once on this blog about my frustration with my glacial spiritual progress. And it's my impatience that brings the topic to the fore again. I want this OVER! I want my default response to life to be peace, joy, love, calm, and forgiveness. And I know that this is the desire of my Lord as well, so I have to trust that it's necessary to me to learn to overcome this rather than to simply granted victory. But it's same petulant child described above that's impatient and a bit resentful about this just at the moment.
    So, yeah - I'm very frustrated, but there's a glimmer of hope. I can see progress and change in so much as I now recognize this behavior soon after the fact, and sometimes during. The desire to change this, and the weak but growing ability to look at myself honestly and ask for forgiveness from those I lash out at and for strength from God is clearly a fruit of the Spirit manifest in my life. And I pray, Father, that you do continue to open my eyes and to redouble my resolve to rise above the flesh and become a truly effective servant.

Thoughts On Freewill

   Probably anyone reading this will have, at one time or another, had their heart broken romantically. And if you have you know that for a time this is unbearably painful. You love that person and they love you and everything is wonderful. Then suddenly they don't love you anymore. They move on and you're left holding the bag, and if they're moving on to someone else your pain is many times multiplied. Ouch!
   It could be that during your grieving you may have thought to yourself: "I wish I could make them love me again."  You wish you could make them love you. I bet that's a more common wish that we'd realize. The idea of love potions or spells is even a common theme in secular literature.
  So do a little mental exercise with me for a bit and try to imagine that you could, by some artificial means, make someone love you. Do you think you'd be satisfied for very long with that "love"? I say no. And here's why: you'd quickly discover that this love you received from your hearts desire wasn't love at all, but something more akin to an act in a play with you as director or playwright and your beloved reduced to a mere actor. Or an automaton you could program to act and respond as you wished. And that's far from love, because, among other things, love is something freely given. Something you confer upon another not through coercion or force, but of your freewill. That's the minimum condition for the existence of love. It's something other than love if not freely given.
   Now, let's shift the focus of this exercise from our human relationships to our relationship with God. He brought the material universe into existence and created Earth with just he right conditions to sustain human life for one purpose: to enjoy loving communion with us.Want to know the meaning of life? What it's all about? We're here to love God. Deuteronomy 6:5 tells us: And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.
   But in order that that love have meaning, for it to be true love on our part, God had to take an enormous risk by granting us freewill. Yes, he could have programed us to act as he wished, but that would have made us little more than robots or puppets utterly unable to render to God what he truly wants from us: love.
   So, we were offered the option of accepting or rejecting his love. God asked Adam and Eve to love him and to manifest that love as obedience in not eating of the tree of knowledge.  But disobedience was just what happened  in the garden. Overwhelmed by temptation we opted to reject his love and attempted  to set ourselves up as our own gods. We fell from grace by our own freewill.
   Then, even though we deserved it, He refused to give up on us and made a way for our reconciliation. Still, He will never force Himself on us. Setting the table and inviting us in is as far as He's willing to go. It's entirely up to us to accept the invitation.
   Meanwhile, The Deceiver constantly assails us offering up cheap, Earthly baubles in exchange for our salvation. And like any good confidence man he doesn't take us by force. He takes us by finesse. Isn't it the World's ultimate irony that all those who scoff so bitterly at Christians for being unthinking, weak minded, fools are, in actual fact, Satan's chumps.  Falling for the con they've seated themselves at his table anticipating what appears to be a sumptuous feast, and that feast will only be revealed to be rotting, putrid filth in the end.
   Lord, I pray that you help me redouble my caution in how I spend my freewill.
    

Feet Don't Fail Me Now!

I was at the used bookstore this afternoon and saw something that, as a writer of blog titled on the metaphor of the walk with Christ, gave me a huge kick.
This is the biggest used book and CD store in Chattanooga, McKay's Used Books, and the place is huge. I knew where the Christian section was, but as I was heading there I noticed that they've placed these little orange "Christianity" feet to guide those looking for it. Out of the many, many genres of literature available there, there was only this guide and one with blue feet for "childrens books".
So, while tickled about the cool imagery and all, I'm even more impressed that the Christianity section is so frequently sought that it merits it's own guiding feet!

Montreat Wrap Up

  Well, I had a very nice two and a half days up in Montreat, and capped off my time there with a visit to the amazing Billy Graham Training Center at The Cove. If you can manage it, I highly recommend a little time off the hamster wheel in a place like Montreat to spiritually and physically recharge.
   Montreat (for mountain retreat) is Presbyterian enclave just outside of Black Mountain. It's kind of famous as the home of Billy and Ruth Graham. There's a beautiful little college there, and a lot of missionaries retire there. Very peaceful and idyllic.

My View of Montreat from the Assembly Inn

    I went up with specific questions. Specifically, does he truly want me to seek some role in Christian broadcasting, and was I hearing him right about quitting my job? I got answers to both.
    But those answers came within a larger message: "Slow down there, Chief!" Basically, I got that I was kind of getting ahead of myself. I was reminded of my relative spiritual immaturity and that I've not even done so much with the one "talent" I was given (Matthew 25). First things come first, and I'm going to need to testing, proving, and seasoning before He'll set me loose with anything big. I may not be a "baby Chrisitan" at this point, but I'm certainly no more than a toddler.

The Gate at Montreat

    So, no, he doesn't want me to leave my current job unless and until I've nailed something else down. And, anything like broadcasting will have to wait 'till I'm not still constantly stumbling in this prodigal's walk with Christ.
    He also showed me that at this point I'm way more prideful than I thought I was. This relates to the spiritual immaturity thing, I suppose. But, I'll have to get my heart right before I begin putting myself out front very much. If I can't honestly search myself and come up with no self-serving pride, then I have no business stepping up.

    So, I feel that I need to ramp up my service in small ways within the church, keeping to he background for the most part, continue to study The Word, hone my writing skills, and grow as a Christian for now. Maybe later, if I've been faithful with the little things, perhaps he'll make the radio thing happen.
   It took me until today to digest all this and let what he was revealing to me to come into focus.  ((I got in late yesterday afternoon), and I praise Him for what I've learned.

Vestibule view of the Chatlos sanctuary. 

    Okay, let me tell you a little about The Cove. Melanie and I stopped by last February during at trip to N.C., and we were blown away by the beautiful Chatlos Chapel. It's the most beautiful building I've ever entered, and, like everything else at the cove, you kind of feel the Graham's spirit (not to mention The Holy Spirit!)  in the place.
    The volunteers and staff are just amazingly friendly and they were fine with me just having the run of the chapel. For a time I was by myself, and I sat alone in that beautiful sanctuary and prayed undisturbed. Wow.

View from the front

 

Ruth's Prayer Room

 Just upstairs from the main sanctuary is an intimate prayer room with a round table (seen in the photo) that I understand Ruth Graham designed. I was sitting to the side enjoying the room and filling out a prayer request card when a tour guide arrived with a couple and one other young woman who I later over heard saying was there for a personal retreat. The tour guide was kind of amazing. She'd been a missionary to Guatamala, and was now spending her retirement years as a volunteer at The Cove. When she asked if we'd like to have a prayer I jumped at the chance. So this group of strangers knelt and joined hands around the same table which Ruth and Billy have knelt, joined hands, and shared a prayer. To say that I was enjoying the moment would be an exercise in understatement.
   I'm going to start putting a little money aside right now so that Melanie and I can attend one of their seminars there. Kind of pricey for this low wage earner, but it'll be worth it.
   I commented to the bookstore lady how lucky she was to work at such an amazing place, and she  gestured to the window behind her which framed a beautiful forest and agreed. "There are just no words to tell you. I come off of the interstate into beautiful, peaceful place." Indeed.
   If any reader ever gets a chance to visit or attend a seminar DO IT! You'll come away from this place with a  little slice of the Graham's mojo and feeling warm and blessed.
   I'll add a few more photos. I took all these yesterday. Ciao!

This is a 400 yr old pulpit the Graham's found while in England. 

Another view of the prayer room

 
 

Montreat

Old Joke:
   This guy Mike gets too close to the edge of a cliff loses his footing and falls. But on the way down he manages to catch onto a branch jutting out of the face of the cliff. So he immediately begins yelling for help when there's suddenly a voice from above.
  "Mike, everything's going to be fine. Relax."
  "Oh, thank goodness! Hey, I'm hanging by a thread here! Please hurry and throw down a rope or something!"
    "Mike, there wont be any rope. This is God, you see."
    "God?"
    "Yes. Now, I'm going to get up back up safely, but first I need you to let go of  the branch."
    "Ummmm, you want me to let go of the branch?"
    "Yes, everything will be fine. Just let go."
    There was a pause, and then Mike replied, "Is there anyone else up there?"



  In a few hours I leave for three days of solace at Montreat, North Carolina. There's a retreat center there , and they offer fairly inexpensive lodging for those seeking quiet and solitude. There aren't TVs or Internet, and I only plan to take one book - well,  a few translations of one book. But there will be no other distractions.
   This is something I've wanted to do for a while now, and I'm pretty stoked that it's coming up. Fact is I really need a little time off of the hamster wheel of my life. Seems that by the time I work my 8 hours I'm usually pretty beat. There just doesn't seem to be time for the quality of prayer time I feel like I need right now. If I get confirmation of the convictions I've been under for a while, that hamster wheel may be reoriented pretty soon. I hope so.
   As you'll have read, I'm feeling moved by God to make some pretty scary changes in my life. Risky stuff, and before I let go of the branch, so to speak, I want some time for quiet reflection and prayer. (And the fact that Billy Graham will be a few miles up the mountain can only help!)
   Speaking of the Billy Graham Training Center at The Cove, I really wanted to go there. It's only about ten miles from Montreat. But it's a little expensive for me, and when I prayed about I felt moved that the less expensive Montreat was better.
   Anyway, I have questions, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to be quiet enough long enough to hear the answer.
   Please pray for me.

   Here's a little promo vid from Montreat if anyone is interested:
http://www.montreat.org/about/promo-video

Saved, but when exactly?

   This post wont come close to settling the question it's about to pose. Don't take any of it as more than just musing on my part.
   So here's the question: at what point was I actually saved?
   If you've read my testimony, you've heard me tell about my experience of Christ back in 1976 while a teenager living in Green, Ohio. My testimony will suggest that this was a genuine salvation experience, but I've never really been that solid on that question. After "coming back to God" or being saved last year, which ever is the most accurate description  of what happened, I felt for the first time in a while that I had indeed encountered Christ that night. But, in my studies over the past few months I've come across some sources that make a compelling case regarding "false conversions" that have led me to question the true nature of my experience again.
   I've said all along that I've never been sure what actually happened to me, and that after walking away from God shortly after this I would have been the most surprised guy in the world had I died and found myself being ushered into heaven. I never quite made it to full fledged atheist status, but I was very, very close much of the time.
   So, that near total loss of faith begs the question I've posed above. How could it be that I could have actually been saved and then walked away to live the lion's share of my life in utter rebellion? Ray Comfort, founder of Living Waters Ministries and  author of The Way Of The Master feels that I couldn't have. In his piece True and False Conversion he compellingly suggests that modern evangelism pushes a sunny version of Christianity that fails to convict people of their desperate peril while in their unregenerate, sinful state and, therefore, their need for a savior. By pushing love, joy, and peace before waking a sinner up to this plight, the modern evangelist lays the ground work for false conversion wherein the person believes they are accepting  Christ without being truly repentant and isn't therefore saved. Furthermore, he points out that the Bible clearly states that a truly regenerate sinner will exhibit clear evidence of that regeneration.
    Makes a ton of sense, and I'm nearly convinced. But what of those who understand in advance the notion that they stand condemned without Christ? That was my circumstance. I grew up attending a Baptist church and understood quite well where I stood.  The Jesus freaks who presented the gospel to me that night certainly did push the peace/joy/love angle. But I understood quite well that I was hell bound without salvation. (Of course, in my immaturity I completely misunderstood forgiving grace.)  I was no doubt hungering for peace/love/joy that night, but I already knew full well that in Christ was the only escape hatch from Hell.
    So, while I completely agree that false conversion exists (for the Bible tells me so!), and that a person unaware of their perilous sinfulness does need that understanding before repentance is possible, that alone doesn't convince me that mine was for sure a case of false conversion.
   But what about the evidence in my life -the "fruit of the spirit"  as Paul put it? Ah, now we're getting closer. I did walk away and indulged myself to the full extent of my resources and opportunity. I did eventually get to a place where I scoffed at Christians and Christianity. I did harbor bitterness, hate, lust, etc.  I lied, stole, blasphemed, coveted, dishonored my parents, committed adultery and murder in my heart, dabbled in idolatry, and all the rest without much conviction  that I should do try to do otherwise. Guilty. So, the fruit of the spirit certainly wasn't evident in my life.
   Ray goes further, though, when making his case for false conversions. He suggests, backing it up Biblically, that if one is true saved it would be impossible to turn away. That a heart having the Holy Spirit dwelling within will be single purposed. Fixed. I can find no argument to refute that idea.
   So, when I add it all up it looks like mine was the instance of seed falling on the rocky ground from the Parable of the Sower. I had a shallow root that wasn't tapped into the spring, and when Satan came to confuse my faith I wilted.
   But then my experience is a little at odds with all of this. First was my experience in that Ohio bedroom when I had something profound happen. I could have been merely emotionalism - a creation within my own mind. But I can assure you it seemed very, very real. As I wrote in my testimony, I felt the actual presence of Christ in the room.
   Then there was the fact of a sort of underlying morality even during my most sinful days. By Earthly terms I was a pretty good person. I certainly didn't bear any great malice towards my fellow man. I didn't seek to hurt or take from anyone. I rejoiced when encountering human kindness and sought to exhibit the same. Ah, but this proves nothing, really. There are tons of good people who have and will perish in the end having not surrendered to Christ. All I can tell you is that I subjectively felt something informing me along the way. I wouldn't have called it God during those years, but I've surprised myself at times when I've found it within my heart to sacrifice for others. I can't prove it was His guidance, but at those times the sacrifices I was making seemed to me to be quite contrary to my usual self-serving viewpoint. Could have He have been operating in the background all the while?
   I have no firm conviction either way. The rocky ground scenario is in the lead, but, I'm going to skirt out to the end of branch and propose something I don't find in the Bible and can't back up. So, take this with an enormous grain of salt. Here it is: I've heard many times people speak about "planting a seed" which would sprout over time. "When witnessing, you never know when you might be planting a seed which will sprout years later," I've been told. So, maybe it's possible that the seed that was sown in my heart that Winter night in 1976 did fall on good ground after all, and it took thirty four years to germinate?  Nothing I've read in the Word so far supports this idea, but then nothing refutes it either.
    So that leaves me still questioning. In the final analysis, it's really doesn't matter. This is all just curious speculation on my part. What matters is that I now belong to him. My gratitude for that fact is boundless.
     

Baby Steps

   As I pointed out in my last post, I had what I'm calling my "rebirth" day a couple of weekends ago. And since this blog is intended as a record of and an outlet for insights as I've come across them as a baby Christian, I thought it'd be good to reflect on my impressions from the last year.
    The most surprising thing from the past twelve months, I'd say, has been that I've found myself in a constant state of struggle. I suppose I'd fallen for the cushy promises of modern evangelism which tout the positives of Christian conversion while downplaying the negatives. (Something Christ could never be accused of!) So when I had my moment with God last year, I kind of expected that I'd be granted instant spiritual maturity, bottomless insight, and a great deal more shelter from temptation than I've experienced. I anticipated sunny skies!
    But, as I alluded to in that last post, the Enemy began lobbing shells on me virtually from the first, and that barrage has continued without interruption since. I really expected this to be easier, and even though I wrote in my testimony that I understood that I'd be under attack, the fact is that knowing you'll come under attack and actually being under attack are entirely different things. Somewhat like how discussing the physics and biology involved in the experience of touching a hot stove - how at a certain temperature metal will begin to sear the skin, and that the nerves in the fingers will transmit an intense pain impulse to the brain, etc - differs from the full, deep understanding that comes from touching it.
     Still, even knowing on a certain level that I'd be under pressure, I also expected a lot more help in this combat. What I've found, however, is that it's His will that I suffer the consequences of constant failure in order that I learn (hopefully!) and grow and conquer as independently as possible. Or, if you want to used the "Baby Christian" analogy, He's willing to let me stumble and fall in the short term so that I'll learn to walk on my own in the long. And while that's been difficult, I thank Him for it! Just as I can now understand and be thankful to my parents for letting me learn the hard lessons that have led to me being an effective, capable adult, I thank God that He's allowing me to stumble along the path in order to eventually strengthen my stride, my confidence, and my endurance. And I can only conclude that my struggles are necessary to prepare me for whatever role He has in store. Someday, soon I hope, I suppose I'll be spiritually mature and up to speed. Until then...

    I'd really been hoping that my faith would have been strengthened from without rather than from within. Well, my faith has been bolstered, but as with the spiritual warfare God has let me learn and study and experience in such a way to accomplish this slowly and without any Road To Damascus moments.
   But I've been very encouraged as I've studied the Word that so many of the great Biblical personalities have had their own struggles. Peter was one of Christ's inner three most intimate followers and was singled out to found Christ's church, yet how often was the admonished as "ye of little faith"? ( And, talk about letting a believer stumble in order to learn! Christ allows Peter to be "sifted" in the courtyard, repeatedly deny him in the hour of his greatest need, realize the depth of his betrayal, and spend a few days in anguish over said betrayal while presumably learning from the experience only to commission this impetuous disciple with the greatest of responsibilities prior to the ascension. That's some encouragement right there!)  I'm likewise encouraged when I read that many  (most, probably) notable and effective men of God  have endured their seasons of doubt only the emerge more solid in their belief than ever.
    So, as a new convert I find that it's quite easy to question my salvation when I find myself tripping over my sinful nature repeatedly or shooing away nagging swarms of doubtfulness way more often that I feel I should have to, and then read through 1st  Peter. OUCH!
   But, I have to pause in those moments and reflect on the inexplicable blessings and convictions I've had over the past 12 months. The most impressive thing to me is that I'm still at it a year later. If my faith was anything short of genuine I believe that I'd have lost interest long ago when the first hint of difficulty arose. That's been my usual modus operandi in the past when I've gotten "into" something in a big way. I can burn with enthusiasm for a short while, pour myself and my energy into that activity or ism, and then wake up one morning to find that the groove has deserted me. This inconsistency has always been one of my most formidable character flaws. I feel that's it's largely responsible for the fact that I've never achieved in proportion to my ability. Given that, it seems to me that if all this was just something akin to a hobby, I'd have abandoned it months ago.
   Yet, in these past twelve months I find that I've not read any book that wasn't the Bible, a commentary on the Bible, or some other non-fiction Christian literature. My interest and my quest for intimacy with my Lord hasn't waned! I look forward to church three times a week even though I don't find it entertaining and sometimes not even particularly interesting.(and don't even get me started on the music!) But I'm consistently motivated to go and worship my Creator. In my case this is very, very telling. Not to mention reassuring. Something's going on that's neither short term nor shallow.
    I've found that my attitude toward materialism has been pretty drastically changed. I never was terribly materialistic, but I find that I now have much less interest in "stuff." Most stuff just seems like an impediment  to my service to Him now. Not that there aren't  nice things I'd like to have, but I no longer view them as having any innate power to bring me contentment. There are things which would certainly enhance my comfort or enjoyment of my Earthly experience. But none that could ever begin to matter in light of my relationship with Christ, and most of it would merely serve to weigh me down. I'd love to be rid of 90% of what I now own, and if I were the only person involved I would be. (I count this as very much a gift from God, and recognize that I'm only relieved of greed by His good grace and could be attacked on that front before the period goes on this sentence.)
    There have been times, as with the music, when it's obvious that the Holy Spirit is working through me. I love these times! Once I became strongly convicted that I should do something for a certain individual and did that thing at the first opportunity. I was blown away to find out from that person that the very thing I'd done had been prayed for - AND IT HAD BEEN ASKED FOR ABOUT THE SAME TIME THAT THE CONVICTION CAME OVER ME! Amazing!
     As much as I love those instances of His obvious presence in and around me, the usual response I've gotten for the past twelve months has been a vast silence as I've sought His voice. But as  I begin my second year of salvation, I pray that this quest to learn and grow as a Christian doesn't fade. Indeed, I pray that my ardor will  grow many times stronger. I pray that the faith, love, and wisdom that I continually ask for will be granted to me - either as a simple gift or as a result of hard lessons learned. I pray that He will make of me an effective servant and that I can see others brought to faith through His work in me. And I pray that when I encounter the open doors He provides, that I have the courage to walk through them into whatever future He has planned for this believer.     
    Until and unless He speaks to me I suppose His silence will have to suffice for me until that wonderful moment when I slip the bond of this body and this world and at last stand face to face with my Lord. 

Ain't Gotta Sing Them Blues No More

This is me doing a few numbers for our church's Fall Festival on Oct 23,2011. Not great audio quality, but it is what it is!