Ephesians 4:14,15 - Be no longer children, but grow up in Christ.
This one gets a little personal:
There still exists within me a petulant child who thrives on self-pity, indolence, spite, resentment, and anger. It's the self-same aspect of my character that has crippled me throughout my adult life and undermined every effort on my part to realize my potential as a man with my particular set of abilities. It's that voice that justifies cowardice and laziness within my mind when the moment calls for courage and diligence. The temper that lashes out childishly at the least criticism. The rage that bubbles up from deep within so easily. The whisper that keeps me planted in my pew rather than shouting the gospel to the rafters. The thief of my self-confidence. The fog that obscures the finish line and causes it to seem impossibly unattainable. The poison that reminds me that I am, after all, Hugh Owens - notorious loser-nothing and joke.
I despise this part of me, and I've felt at times that I was at last putting a some distance between the regenerated Christian man and that old, ineffective self. But always, always, always I find myself responding to life's slings and arrows in the same old way, and then afterwards I realize that what had seemed like progress was only a brief period of relative easy going that didn't really challenge me and therefore didn't trigger the re-emergence of that guy. Fair skies and calm seas don't put a boat to the test.
So, how do I put this child away forever? Why is he so tenacious - following me even into late middle age? Christ tells me that I'm no longer a slave to the old self, and that I can shake off those shackles any time. But in that critical moment it's soooooooo difficult to remember this and to tap into His power in order to bring forth the humility to counter my wounded pride and the forgiveness to counter my churlish resentment.
I've written more than once on this blog about my frustration with my glacial spiritual progress. And it's my impatience that brings the topic to the fore again. I want this OVER! I want my default response to life to be peace, joy, love, calm, and forgiveness. And I know that this is the desire of my Lord as well, so I have to trust that it's necessary to me to learn to overcome this rather than to simply granted victory. But it's same petulant child described above that's impatient and a bit resentful about this just at the moment.
So, yeah - I'm very frustrated, but there's a glimmer of hope. I can see progress and change in so much as I now recognize this behavior soon after the fact, and sometimes during. The desire to change this, and the weak but growing ability to look at myself honestly and ask for forgiveness from those I lash out at and for strength from God is clearly a fruit of the Spirit manifest in my life. And I pray, Father, that you do continue to open my eyes and to redouble my resolve to rise above the flesh and become a truly effective servant.
This one gets a little personal:
There still exists within me a petulant child who thrives on self-pity, indolence, spite, resentment, and anger. It's the self-same aspect of my character that has crippled me throughout my adult life and undermined every effort on my part to realize my potential as a man with my particular set of abilities. It's that voice that justifies cowardice and laziness within my mind when the moment calls for courage and diligence. The temper that lashes out childishly at the least criticism. The rage that bubbles up from deep within so easily. The whisper that keeps me planted in my pew rather than shouting the gospel to the rafters. The thief of my self-confidence. The fog that obscures the finish line and causes it to seem impossibly unattainable. The poison that reminds me that I am, after all, Hugh Owens - notorious loser-nothing and joke.
I despise this part of me, and I've felt at times that I was at last putting a some distance between the regenerated Christian man and that old, ineffective self. But always, always, always I find myself responding to life's slings and arrows in the same old way, and then afterwards I realize that what had seemed like progress was only a brief period of relative easy going that didn't really challenge me and therefore didn't trigger the re-emergence of that guy. Fair skies and calm seas don't put a boat to the test.
So, how do I put this child away forever? Why is he so tenacious - following me even into late middle age? Christ tells me that I'm no longer a slave to the old self, and that I can shake off those shackles any time. But in that critical moment it's soooooooo difficult to remember this and to tap into His power in order to bring forth the humility to counter my wounded pride and the forgiveness to counter my churlish resentment.
I've written more than once on this blog about my frustration with my glacial spiritual progress. And it's my impatience that brings the topic to the fore again. I want this OVER! I want my default response to life to be peace, joy, love, calm, and forgiveness. And I know that this is the desire of my Lord as well, so I have to trust that it's necessary to me to learn to overcome this rather than to simply granted victory. But it's same petulant child described above that's impatient and a bit resentful about this just at the moment.
So, yeah - I'm very frustrated, but there's a glimmer of hope. I can see progress and change in so much as I now recognize this behavior soon after the fact, and sometimes during. The desire to change this, and the weak but growing ability to look at myself honestly and ask for forgiveness from those I lash out at and for strength from God is clearly a fruit of the Spirit manifest in my life. And I pray, Father, that you do continue to open my eyes and to redouble my resolve to rise above the flesh and become a truly effective servant.
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