This post wont come close to settling the question it's about to pose. Don't take any of it as more than just musing on my part.
So here's the question: at what point was I actually saved?
If you've read my testimony, you've heard me tell about my experience of Christ back in 1976 while a teenager living in Green, Ohio. My testimony will suggest that this was a genuine salvation experience, but I've never really been that solid on that question. After "coming back to God" or being saved last year, which ever is the most accurate description of what happened, I felt for the first time in a while that I had indeed encountered Christ that night. But, in my studies over the past few months I've come across some sources that make a compelling case regarding "false conversions" that have led me to question the true nature of my experience again.
I've said all along that I've never been sure what actually happened to me, and that after walking away from God shortly after this I would have been the most surprised guy in the world had I died and found myself being ushered into heaven. I never quite made it to full fledged atheist status, but I was very, very close much of the time.
So, that near total loss of faith begs the question I've posed above. How could it be that I could have actually been saved and then walked away to live the lion's share of my life in utter rebellion? Ray Comfort, founder of Living Waters Ministries and author of The Way Of The Master feels that I couldn't have. In his piece True and False Conversion he compellingly suggests that modern evangelism pushes a sunny version of Christianity that fails to convict people of their desperate peril while in their unregenerate, sinful state and, therefore, their need for a savior. By pushing love, joy, and peace before waking a sinner up to this plight, the modern evangelist lays the ground work for false conversion wherein the person believes they are accepting Christ without being truly repentant and isn't therefore saved. Furthermore, he points out that the Bible clearly states that a truly regenerate sinner will exhibit clear evidence of that regeneration.
Makes a ton of sense, and I'm nearly convinced. But what of those who understand in advance the notion that they stand condemned without Christ? That was my circumstance. I grew up attending a Baptist church and understood quite well where I stood. The Jesus freaks who presented the gospel to me that night certainly did push the peace/joy/love angle. But I understood quite well that I was hell bound without salvation. (Of course, in my immaturity I completely misunderstood forgiving grace.) I was no doubt hungering for peace/love/joy that night, but I already knew full well that in Christ was the only escape hatch from Hell.
So, while I completely agree that false conversion exists (for the Bible tells me so!), and that a person unaware of their perilous sinfulness does need that understanding before repentance is possible, that alone doesn't convince me that mine was for sure a case of false conversion.
But what about the evidence in my life -the "fruit of the spirit" as Paul put it? Ah, now we're getting closer. I did walk away and indulged myself to the full extent of my resources and opportunity. I did eventually get to a place where I scoffed at Christians and Christianity. I did harbor bitterness, hate, lust, etc. I lied, stole, blasphemed, coveted, dishonored my parents, committed adultery and murder in my heart, dabbled in idolatry, and all the rest without much conviction that I should do try to do otherwise. Guilty. So, the fruit of the spirit certainly wasn't evident in my life.
Ray goes further, though, when making his case for false conversions. He suggests, backing it up Biblically, that if one is true saved it would be impossible to turn away. That a heart having the Holy Spirit dwelling within will be single purposed. Fixed. I can find no argument to refute that idea.
So, when I add it all up it looks like mine was the instance of seed falling on the rocky ground from the Parable of the Sower. I had a shallow root that wasn't tapped into the spring, and when Satan came to confuse my faith I wilted.
But then my experience is a little at odds with all of this. First was my experience in that Ohio bedroom when I had something profound happen. I could have been merely emotionalism - a creation within my own mind. But I can assure you it seemed very, very real. As I wrote in my testimony, I felt the actual presence of Christ in the room.
Then there was the fact of a sort of underlying morality even during my most sinful days. By Earthly terms I was a pretty good person. I certainly didn't bear any great malice towards my fellow man. I didn't seek to hurt or take from anyone. I rejoiced when encountering human kindness and sought to exhibit the same. Ah, but this proves nothing, really. There are tons of good people who have and will perish in the end having not surrendered to Christ. All I can tell you is that I subjectively felt something informing me along the way. I wouldn't have called it God during those years, but I've surprised myself at times when I've found it within my heart to sacrifice for others. I can't prove it was His guidance, but at those times the sacrifices I was making seemed to me to be quite contrary to my usual self-serving viewpoint. Could have He have been operating in the background all the while?
I have no firm conviction either way. The rocky ground scenario is in the lead, but, I'm going to skirt out to the end of branch and propose something I don't find in the Bible and can't back up. So, take this with an enormous grain of salt. Here it is: I've heard many times people speak about "planting a seed" which would sprout over time. "When witnessing, you never know when you might be planting a seed which will sprout years later," I've been told. So, maybe it's possible that the seed that was sown in my heart that Winter night in 1976 did fall on good ground after all, and it took thirty four years to germinate? Nothing I've read in the Word so far supports this idea, but then nothing refutes it either.
So that leaves me still questioning. In the final analysis, it's really doesn't matter. This is all just curious speculation on my part. What matters is that I now belong to him. My gratitude for that fact is boundless.
So here's the question: at what point was I actually saved?
If you've read my testimony, you've heard me tell about my experience of Christ back in 1976 while a teenager living in Green, Ohio. My testimony will suggest that this was a genuine salvation experience, but I've never really been that solid on that question. After "coming back to God" or being saved last year, which ever is the most accurate description of what happened, I felt for the first time in a while that I had indeed encountered Christ that night. But, in my studies over the past few months I've come across some sources that make a compelling case regarding "false conversions" that have led me to question the true nature of my experience again.
I've said all along that I've never been sure what actually happened to me, and that after walking away from God shortly after this I would have been the most surprised guy in the world had I died and found myself being ushered into heaven. I never quite made it to full fledged atheist status, but I was very, very close much of the time.
So, that near total loss of faith begs the question I've posed above. How could it be that I could have actually been saved and then walked away to live the lion's share of my life in utter rebellion? Ray Comfort, founder of Living Waters Ministries and author of The Way Of The Master feels that I couldn't have. In his piece True and False Conversion he compellingly suggests that modern evangelism pushes a sunny version of Christianity that fails to convict people of their desperate peril while in their unregenerate, sinful state and, therefore, their need for a savior. By pushing love, joy, and peace before waking a sinner up to this plight, the modern evangelist lays the ground work for false conversion wherein the person believes they are accepting Christ without being truly repentant and isn't therefore saved. Furthermore, he points out that the Bible clearly states that a truly regenerate sinner will exhibit clear evidence of that regeneration.
Makes a ton of sense, and I'm nearly convinced. But what of those who understand in advance the notion that they stand condemned without Christ? That was my circumstance. I grew up attending a Baptist church and understood quite well where I stood. The Jesus freaks who presented the gospel to me that night certainly did push the peace/joy/love angle. But I understood quite well that I was hell bound without salvation. (Of course, in my immaturity I completely misunderstood forgiving grace.) I was no doubt hungering for peace/love/joy that night, but I already knew full well that in Christ was the only escape hatch from Hell.
So, while I completely agree that false conversion exists (for the Bible tells me so!), and that a person unaware of their perilous sinfulness does need that understanding before repentance is possible, that alone doesn't convince me that mine was for sure a case of false conversion.
But what about the evidence in my life -the "fruit of the spirit" as Paul put it? Ah, now we're getting closer. I did walk away and indulged myself to the full extent of my resources and opportunity. I did eventually get to a place where I scoffed at Christians and Christianity. I did harbor bitterness, hate, lust, etc. I lied, stole, blasphemed, coveted, dishonored my parents, committed adultery and murder in my heart, dabbled in idolatry, and all the rest without much conviction that I should do try to do otherwise. Guilty. So, the fruit of the spirit certainly wasn't evident in my life.
Ray goes further, though, when making his case for false conversions. He suggests, backing it up Biblically, that if one is true saved it would be impossible to turn away. That a heart having the Holy Spirit dwelling within will be single purposed. Fixed. I can find no argument to refute that idea.
So, when I add it all up it looks like mine was the instance of seed falling on the rocky ground from the Parable of the Sower. I had a shallow root that wasn't tapped into the spring, and when Satan came to confuse my faith I wilted.
But then my experience is a little at odds with all of this. First was my experience in that Ohio bedroom when I had something profound happen. I could have been merely emotionalism - a creation within my own mind. But I can assure you it seemed very, very real. As I wrote in my testimony, I felt the actual presence of Christ in the room.
Then there was the fact of a sort of underlying morality even during my most sinful days. By Earthly terms I was a pretty good person. I certainly didn't bear any great malice towards my fellow man. I didn't seek to hurt or take from anyone. I rejoiced when encountering human kindness and sought to exhibit the same. Ah, but this proves nothing, really. There are tons of good people who have and will perish in the end having not surrendered to Christ. All I can tell you is that I subjectively felt something informing me along the way. I wouldn't have called it God during those years, but I've surprised myself at times when I've found it within my heart to sacrifice for others. I can't prove it was His guidance, but at those times the sacrifices I was making seemed to me to be quite contrary to my usual self-serving viewpoint. Could have He have been operating in the background all the while?
I have no firm conviction either way. The rocky ground scenario is in the lead, but, I'm going to skirt out to the end of branch and propose something I don't find in the Bible and can't back up. So, take this with an enormous grain of salt. Here it is: I've heard many times people speak about "planting a seed" which would sprout over time. "When witnessing, you never know when you might be planting a seed which will sprout years later," I've been told. So, maybe it's possible that the seed that was sown in my heart that Winter night in 1976 did fall on good ground after all, and it took thirty four years to germinate? Nothing I've read in the Word so far supports this idea, but then nothing refutes it either.
So that leaves me still questioning. In the final analysis, it's really doesn't matter. This is all just curious speculation on my part. What matters is that I now belong to him. My gratitude for that fact is boundless.
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