As I pointed out in my last post, I had what I'm calling my "rebirth" day a couple of weekends ago. And since this blog is intended as a record of and an outlet for insights as I've come across them as a baby Christian, I thought it'd be good to reflect on my impressions from the last year.
The most surprising thing from the past twelve months, I'd say, has been that I've found myself in a constant state of struggle. I suppose I'd fallen for the cushy promises of modern evangelism which tout the positives of Christian conversion while downplaying the negatives. (Something Christ could never be accused of!) So when I had my moment with God last year, I kind of expected that I'd be granted instant spiritual maturity, bottomless insight, and a great deal more shelter from temptation than I've experienced. I anticipated sunny skies!
But, as I alluded to in that last post, the Enemy began lobbing shells on me virtually from the first, and that barrage has continued without interruption since. I really expected this to be easier, and even though I wrote in my testimony that I understood that I'd be under attack, the fact is that knowing you'll come under attack and actually being under attack are entirely different things. Somewhat like how discussing the physics and biology involved in the experience of touching a hot stove - how at a certain temperature metal will begin to sear the skin, and that the nerves in the fingers will transmit an intense pain impulse to the brain, etc - differs from the full, deep understanding that comes from touching it.
Still, even knowing on a certain level that I'd be under pressure, I also expected a lot more help in this combat. What I've found, however, is that it's His will that I suffer the consequences of constant failure in order that I learn (hopefully!) and grow and conquer as independently as possible. Or, if you want to used the "Baby Christian" analogy, He's willing to let me stumble and fall in the short term so that I'll learn to walk on my own in the long. And while that's been difficult, I thank Him for it! Just as I can now understand and be thankful to my parents for letting me learn the hard lessons that have led to me being an effective, capable adult, I thank God that He's allowing me to stumble along the path in order to eventually strengthen my stride, my confidence, and my endurance. And I can only conclude that my struggles are necessary to prepare me for whatever role He has in store. Someday, soon I hope, I suppose I'll be spiritually mature and up to speed. Until then...
I'd really been hoping that my faith would have been strengthened from without rather than from within. Well, my faith has been bolstered, but as with the spiritual warfare God has let me learn and study and experience in such a way to accomplish this slowly and without any Road To Damascus moments.
But I've been very encouraged as I've studied the Word that so many of the great Biblical personalities have had their own struggles. Peter was one of Christ's inner three most intimate followers and was singled out to found Christ's church, yet how often was the admonished as "ye of little faith"? ( And, talk about letting a believer stumble in order to learn! Christ allows Peter to be "sifted" in the courtyard, repeatedly deny him in the hour of his greatest need, realize the depth of his betrayal, and spend a few days in anguish over said betrayal while presumably learning from the experience only to commission this impetuous disciple with the greatest of responsibilities prior to the ascension. That's some encouragement right there!) I'm likewise encouraged when I read that many (most, probably) notable and effective men of God have endured their seasons of doubt only the emerge more solid in their belief than ever.
So, as a new convert I find that it's quite easy to question my salvation when I find myself tripping over my sinful nature repeatedly or shooing away nagging swarms of doubtfulness way more often that I feel I should have to, and then read through 1st Peter. OUCH!
But, I have to pause in those moments and reflect on the inexplicable blessings and convictions I've had over the past 12 months. The most impressive thing to me is that I'm still at it a year later. If my faith was anything short of genuine I believe that I'd have lost interest long ago when the first hint of difficulty arose. That's been my usual modus operandi in the past when I've gotten "into" something in a big way. I can burn with enthusiasm for a short while, pour myself and my energy into that activity or ism, and then wake up one morning to find that the groove has deserted me. This inconsistency has always been one of my most formidable character flaws. I feel that's it's largely responsible for the fact that I've never achieved in proportion to my ability. Given that, it seems to me that if all this was just something akin to a hobby, I'd have abandoned it months ago.
Yet, in these past twelve months I find that I've not read any book that wasn't the Bible, a commentary on the Bible, or some other non-fiction Christian literature. My interest and my quest for intimacy with my Lord hasn't waned! I look forward to church three times a week even though I don't find it entertaining and sometimes not even particularly interesting.(and don't even get me started on the music!) But I'm consistently motivated to go and worship my Creator. In my case this is very, very telling. Not to mention reassuring. Something's going on that's neither short term nor shallow.
I've found that my attitude toward materialism has been pretty drastically changed. I never was terribly materialistic, but I find that I now have much less interest in "stuff." Most stuff just seems like an impediment to my service to Him now. Not that there aren't nice things I'd like to have, but I no longer view them as having any innate power to bring me contentment. There are things which would certainly enhance my comfort or enjoyment of my Earthly experience. But none that could ever begin to matter in light of my relationship with Christ, and most of it would merely serve to weigh me down. I'd love to be rid of 90% of what I now own, and if I were the only person involved I would be. (I count this as very much a gift from God, and recognize that I'm only relieved of greed by His good grace and could be attacked on that front before the period goes on this sentence.)
There have been times, as with the music, when it's obvious that the Holy Spirit is working through me. I love these times! Once I became strongly convicted that I should do something for a certain individual and did that thing at the first opportunity. I was blown away to find out from that person that the very thing I'd done had been prayed for - AND IT HAD BEEN ASKED FOR ABOUT THE SAME TIME THAT THE CONVICTION CAME OVER ME! Amazing!
As much as I love those instances of His obvious presence in and around me, the usual response I've gotten for the past twelve months has been a vast silence as I've sought His voice. But as I begin my second year of salvation, I pray that this quest to learn and grow as a Christian doesn't fade. Indeed, I pray that my ardor will grow many times stronger. I pray that the faith, love, and wisdom that I continually ask for will be granted to me - either as a simple gift or as a result of hard lessons learned. I pray that He will make of me an effective servant and that I can see others brought to faith through His work in me. And I pray that when I encounter the open doors He provides, that I have the courage to walk through them into whatever future He has planned for this believer.
Until and unless He speaks to me I suppose His silence will have to suffice for me until that wonderful moment when I slip the bond of this body and this world and at last stand face to face with my Lord.
The most surprising thing from the past twelve months, I'd say, has been that I've found myself in a constant state of struggle. I suppose I'd fallen for the cushy promises of modern evangelism which tout the positives of Christian conversion while downplaying the negatives. (Something Christ could never be accused of!) So when I had my moment with God last year, I kind of expected that I'd be granted instant spiritual maturity, bottomless insight, and a great deal more shelter from temptation than I've experienced. I anticipated sunny skies!
But, as I alluded to in that last post, the Enemy began lobbing shells on me virtually from the first, and that barrage has continued without interruption since. I really expected this to be easier, and even though I wrote in my testimony that I understood that I'd be under attack, the fact is that knowing you'll come under attack and actually being under attack are entirely different things. Somewhat like how discussing the physics and biology involved in the experience of touching a hot stove - how at a certain temperature metal will begin to sear the skin, and that the nerves in the fingers will transmit an intense pain impulse to the brain, etc - differs from the full, deep understanding that comes from touching it.
Still, even knowing on a certain level that I'd be under pressure, I also expected a lot more help in this combat. What I've found, however, is that it's His will that I suffer the consequences of constant failure in order that I learn (hopefully!) and grow and conquer as independently as possible. Or, if you want to used the "Baby Christian" analogy, He's willing to let me stumble and fall in the short term so that I'll learn to walk on my own in the long. And while that's been difficult, I thank Him for it! Just as I can now understand and be thankful to my parents for letting me learn the hard lessons that have led to me being an effective, capable adult, I thank God that He's allowing me to stumble along the path in order to eventually strengthen my stride, my confidence, and my endurance. And I can only conclude that my struggles are necessary to prepare me for whatever role He has in store. Someday, soon I hope, I suppose I'll be spiritually mature and up to speed. Until then...
I'd really been hoping that my faith would have been strengthened from without rather than from within. Well, my faith has been bolstered, but as with the spiritual warfare God has let me learn and study and experience in such a way to accomplish this slowly and without any Road To Damascus moments.
But I've been very encouraged as I've studied the Word that so many of the great Biblical personalities have had their own struggles. Peter was one of Christ's inner three most intimate followers and was singled out to found Christ's church, yet how often was the admonished as "ye of little faith"? ( And, talk about letting a believer stumble in order to learn! Christ allows Peter to be "sifted" in the courtyard, repeatedly deny him in the hour of his greatest need, realize the depth of his betrayal, and spend a few days in anguish over said betrayal while presumably learning from the experience only to commission this impetuous disciple with the greatest of responsibilities prior to the ascension. That's some encouragement right there!) I'm likewise encouraged when I read that many (most, probably) notable and effective men of God have endured their seasons of doubt only the emerge more solid in their belief than ever.
So, as a new convert I find that it's quite easy to question my salvation when I find myself tripping over my sinful nature repeatedly or shooing away nagging swarms of doubtfulness way more often that I feel I should have to, and then read through 1st Peter. OUCH!
But, I have to pause in those moments and reflect on the inexplicable blessings and convictions I've had over the past 12 months. The most impressive thing to me is that I'm still at it a year later. If my faith was anything short of genuine I believe that I'd have lost interest long ago when the first hint of difficulty arose. That's been my usual modus operandi in the past when I've gotten "into" something in a big way. I can burn with enthusiasm for a short while, pour myself and my energy into that activity or ism, and then wake up one morning to find that the groove has deserted me. This inconsistency has always been one of my most formidable character flaws. I feel that's it's largely responsible for the fact that I've never achieved in proportion to my ability. Given that, it seems to me that if all this was just something akin to a hobby, I'd have abandoned it months ago.
Yet, in these past twelve months I find that I've not read any book that wasn't the Bible, a commentary on the Bible, or some other non-fiction Christian literature. My interest and my quest for intimacy with my Lord hasn't waned! I look forward to church three times a week even though I don't find it entertaining and sometimes not even particularly interesting.(and don't even get me started on the music!) But I'm consistently motivated to go and worship my Creator. In my case this is very, very telling. Not to mention reassuring. Something's going on that's neither short term nor shallow.
I've found that my attitude toward materialism has been pretty drastically changed. I never was terribly materialistic, but I find that I now have much less interest in "stuff." Most stuff just seems like an impediment to my service to Him now. Not that there aren't nice things I'd like to have, but I no longer view them as having any innate power to bring me contentment. There are things which would certainly enhance my comfort or enjoyment of my Earthly experience. But none that could ever begin to matter in light of my relationship with Christ, and most of it would merely serve to weigh me down. I'd love to be rid of 90% of what I now own, and if I were the only person involved I would be. (I count this as very much a gift from God, and recognize that I'm only relieved of greed by His good grace and could be attacked on that front before the period goes on this sentence.)
There have been times, as with the music, when it's obvious that the Holy Spirit is working through me. I love these times! Once I became strongly convicted that I should do something for a certain individual and did that thing at the first opportunity. I was blown away to find out from that person that the very thing I'd done had been prayed for - AND IT HAD BEEN ASKED FOR ABOUT THE SAME TIME THAT THE CONVICTION CAME OVER ME! Amazing!
As much as I love those instances of His obvious presence in and around me, the usual response I've gotten for the past twelve months has been a vast silence as I've sought His voice. But as I begin my second year of salvation, I pray that this quest to learn and grow as a Christian doesn't fade. Indeed, I pray that my ardor will grow many times stronger. I pray that the faith, love, and wisdom that I continually ask for will be granted to me - either as a simple gift or as a result of hard lessons learned. I pray that He will make of me an effective servant and that I can see others brought to faith through His work in me. And I pray that when I encounter the open doors He provides, that I have the courage to walk through them into whatever future He has planned for this believer.
Until and unless He speaks to me I suppose His silence will have to suffice for me until that wonderful moment when I slip the bond of this body and this world and at last stand face to face with my Lord.
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