Would You Like Some Cheese To Go With That Whine, Hugh?

Ephesians 4:14,15 - Be no longer children, but grow up in Christ.

This one gets a little personal:
   There still exists within me a petulant child who thrives on self-pity, indolence, spite, resentment, and anger. It's the self-same aspect of my character that has crippled me throughout my adult life and undermined every effort on my part to realize my potential as a man with my particular set of abilities. It's that voice that justifies cowardice and laziness within my mind when the moment calls for courage and diligence. The temper that lashes out childishly at the least criticism. The rage that bubbles up from deep within so easily. The whisper that keeps me planted in my pew rather than shouting the gospel to the rafters. The thief of my self-confidence. The fog that obscures the finish line and causes it to seem impossibly unattainable. The poison that reminds me that I am, after all, Hugh Owens - notorious loser-nothing and joke.
    I despise this part of me, and I've felt at times that I was at last putting a some distance between the regenerated Christian man and that old, ineffective self. But always, always, always I find myself responding to life's slings and arrows in the same old way, and then afterwards I realize that what had seemed like progress was only a brief period of relative easy going that didn't really challenge me and therefore didn't trigger the re-emergence of that guy. Fair skies and calm seas don't put a boat to the test.
    So, how do I put this child away forever? Why is he so tenacious - following me even into late middle age? Christ tells me that I'm no longer a slave to the old self, and that I can shake off those shackles any time. But in that critical moment it's soooooooo difficult to remember this and to tap into His power in order to bring forth the humility to counter my wounded pride and the forgiveness to counter my churlish resentment.
    I've written more than once on this blog about my frustration with my glacial spiritual progress. And it's my impatience that brings the topic to the fore again. I want this OVER! I want my default response to life to be peace, joy, love, calm, and forgiveness. And I know that this is the desire of my Lord as well, so I have to trust that it's necessary to me to learn to overcome this rather than to simply granted victory. But it's same petulant child described above that's impatient and a bit resentful about this just at the moment.
    So, yeah - I'm very frustrated, but there's a glimmer of hope. I can see progress and change in so much as I now recognize this behavior soon after the fact, and sometimes during. The desire to change this, and the weak but growing ability to look at myself honestly and ask for forgiveness from those I lash out at and for strength from God is clearly a fruit of the Spirit manifest in my life. And I pray, Father, that you do continue to open my eyes and to redouble my resolve to rise above the flesh and become a truly effective servant.

Thoughts On Freewill

   Probably anyone reading this will have, at one time or another, had their heart broken romantically. And if you have you know that for a time this is unbearably painful. You love that person and they love you and everything is wonderful. Then suddenly they don't love you anymore. They move on and you're left holding the bag, and if they're moving on to someone else your pain is many times multiplied. Ouch!
   It could be that during your grieving you may have thought to yourself: "I wish I could make them love me again."  You wish you could make them love you. I bet that's a more common wish that we'd realize. The idea of love potions or spells is even a common theme in secular literature.
  So do a little mental exercise with me for a bit and try to imagine that you could, by some artificial means, make someone love you. Do you think you'd be satisfied for very long with that "love"? I say no. And here's why: you'd quickly discover that this love you received from your hearts desire wasn't love at all, but something more akin to an act in a play with you as director or playwright and your beloved reduced to a mere actor. Or an automaton you could program to act and respond as you wished. And that's far from love, because, among other things, love is something freely given. Something you confer upon another not through coercion or force, but of your freewill. That's the minimum condition for the existence of love. It's something other than love if not freely given.
   Now, let's shift the focus of this exercise from our human relationships to our relationship with God. He brought the material universe into existence and created Earth with just he right conditions to sustain human life for one purpose: to enjoy loving communion with us.Want to know the meaning of life? What it's all about? We're here to love God. Deuteronomy 6:5 tells us: And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.
   But in order that that love have meaning, for it to be true love on our part, God had to take an enormous risk by granting us freewill. Yes, he could have programed us to act as he wished, but that would have made us little more than robots or puppets utterly unable to render to God what he truly wants from us: love.
   So, we were offered the option of accepting or rejecting his love. God asked Adam and Eve to love him and to manifest that love as obedience in not eating of the tree of knowledge.  But disobedience was just what happened  in the garden. Overwhelmed by temptation we opted to reject his love and attempted  to set ourselves up as our own gods. We fell from grace by our own freewill.
   Then, even though we deserved it, He refused to give up on us and made a way for our reconciliation. Still, He will never force Himself on us. Setting the table and inviting us in is as far as He's willing to go. It's entirely up to us to accept the invitation.
   Meanwhile, The Deceiver constantly assails us offering up cheap, Earthly baubles in exchange for our salvation. And like any good confidence man he doesn't take us by force. He takes us by finesse. Isn't it the World's ultimate irony that all those who scoff so bitterly at Christians for being unthinking, weak minded, fools are, in actual fact, Satan's chumps.  Falling for the con they've seated themselves at his table anticipating what appears to be a sumptuous feast, and that feast will only be revealed to be rotting, putrid filth in the end.
   Lord, I pray that you help me redouble my caution in how I spend my freewill.
    

Feet Don't Fail Me Now!

I was at the used bookstore this afternoon and saw something that, as a writer of blog titled on the metaphor of the walk with Christ, gave me a huge kick.
This is the biggest used book and CD store in Chattanooga, McKay's Used Books, and the place is huge. I knew where the Christian section was, but as I was heading there I noticed that they've placed these little orange "Christianity" feet to guide those looking for it. Out of the many, many genres of literature available there, there was only this guide and one with blue feet for "childrens books".
So, while tickled about the cool imagery and all, I'm even more impressed that the Christianity section is so frequently sought that it merits it's own guiding feet!

Montreat Wrap Up

  Well, I had a very nice two and a half days up in Montreat, and capped off my time there with a visit to the amazing Billy Graham Training Center at The Cove. If you can manage it, I highly recommend a little time off the hamster wheel in a place like Montreat to spiritually and physically recharge.
   Montreat (for mountain retreat) is Presbyterian enclave just outside of Black Mountain. It's kind of famous as the home of Billy and Ruth Graham. There's a beautiful little college there, and a lot of missionaries retire there. Very peaceful and idyllic.

My View of Montreat from the Assembly Inn

    I went up with specific questions. Specifically, does he truly want me to seek some role in Christian broadcasting, and was I hearing him right about quitting my job? I got answers to both.
    But those answers came within a larger message: "Slow down there, Chief!" Basically, I got that I was kind of getting ahead of myself. I was reminded of my relative spiritual immaturity and that I've not even done so much with the one "talent" I was given (Matthew 25). First things come first, and I'm going to need to testing, proving, and seasoning before He'll set me loose with anything big. I may not be a "baby Chrisitan" at this point, but I'm certainly no more than a toddler.

The Gate at Montreat

    So, no, he doesn't want me to leave my current job unless and until I've nailed something else down. And, anything like broadcasting will have to wait 'till I'm not still constantly stumbling in this prodigal's walk with Christ.
    He also showed me that at this point I'm way more prideful than I thought I was. This relates to the spiritual immaturity thing, I suppose. But, I'll have to get my heart right before I begin putting myself out front very much. If I can't honestly search myself and come up with no self-serving pride, then I have no business stepping up.

    So, I feel that I need to ramp up my service in small ways within the church, keeping to he background for the most part, continue to study The Word, hone my writing skills, and grow as a Christian for now. Maybe later, if I've been faithful with the little things, perhaps he'll make the radio thing happen.
   It took me until today to digest all this and let what he was revealing to me to come into focus.  ((I got in late yesterday afternoon), and I praise Him for what I've learned.

Vestibule view of the Chatlos sanctuary. 

    Okay, let me tell you a little about The Cove. Melanie and I stopped by last February during at trip to N.C., and we were blown away by the beautiful Chatlos Chapel. It's the most beautiful building I've ever entered, and, like everything else at the cove, you kind of feel the Graham's spirit (not to mention The Holy Spirit!)  in the place.
    The volunteers and staff are just amazingly friendly and they were fine with me just having the run of the chapel. For a time I was by myself, and I sat alone in that beautiful sanctuary and prayed undisturbed. Wow.

View from the front

 

Ruth's Prayer Room

 Just upstairs from the main sanctuary is an intimate prayer room with a round table (seen in the photo) that I understand Ruth Graham designed. I was sitting to the side enjoying the room and filling out a prayer request card when a tour guide arrived with a couple and one other young woman who I later over heard saying was there for a personal retreat. The tour guide was kind of amazing. She'd been a missionary to Guatamala, and was now spending her retirement years as a volunteer at The Cove. When she asked if we'd like to have a prayer I jumped at the chance. So this group of strangers knelt and joined hands around the same table which Ruth and Billy have knelt, joined hands, and shared a prayer. To say that I was enjoying the moment would be an exercise in understatement.
   I'm going to start putting a little money aside right now so that Melanie and I can attend one of their seminars there. Kind of pricey for this low wage earner, but it'll be worth it.
   I commented to the bookstore lady how lucky she was to work at such an amazing place, and she  gestured to the window behind her which framed a beautiful forest and agreed. "There are just no words to tell you. I come off of the interstate into beautiful, peaceful place." Indeed.
   If any reader ever gets a chance to visit or attend a seminar DO IT! You'll come away from this place with a  little slice of the Graham's mojo and feeling warm and blessed.
   I'll add a few more photos. I took all these yesterday. Ciao!

This is a 400 yr old pulpit the Graham's found while in England. 

Another view of the prayer room

 
 

Montreat

Old Joke:
   This guy Mike gets too close to the edge of a cliff loses his footing and falls. But on the way down he manages to catch onto a branch jutting out of the face of the cliff. So he immediately begins yelling for help when there's suddenly a voice from above.
  "Mike, everything's going to be fine. Relax."
  "Oh, thank goodness! Hey, I'm hanging by a thread here! Please hurry and throw down a rope or something!"
    "Mike, there wont be any rope. This is God, you see."
    "God?"
    "Yes. Now, I'm going to get up back up safely, but first I need you to let go of  the branch."
    "Ummmm, you want me to let go of the branch?"
    "Yes, everything will be fine. Just let go."
    There was a pause, and then Mike replied, "Is there anyone else up there?"



  In a few hours I leave for three days of solace at Montreat, North Carolina. There's a retreat center there , and they offer fairly inexpensive lodging for those seeking quiet and solitude. There aren't TVs or Internet, and I only plan to take one book - well,  a few translations of one book. But there will be no other distractions.
   This is something I've wanted to do for a while now, and I'm pretty stoked that it's coming up. Fact is I really need a little time off of the hamster wheel of my life. Seems that by the time I work my 8 hours I'm usually pretty beat. There just doesn't seem to be time for the quality of prayer time I feel like I need right now. If I get confirmation of the convictions I've been under for a while, that hamster wheel may be reoriented pretty soon. I hope so.
   As you'll have read, I'm feeling moved by God to make some pretty scary changes in my life. Risky stuff, and before I let go of the branch, so to speak, I want some time for quiet reflection and prayer. (And the fact that Billy Graham will be a few miles up the mountain can only help!)
   Speaking of the Billy Graham Training Center at The Cove, I really wanted to go there. It's only about ten miles from Montreat. But it's a little expensive for me, and when I prayed about I felt moved that the less expensive Montreat was better.
   Anyway, I have questions, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to be quiet enough long enough to hear the answer.
   Please pray for me.

   Here's a little promo vid from Montreat if anyone is interested:
http://www.montreat.org/about/promo-video

Saved, but when exactly?

   This post wont come close to settling the question it's about to pose. Don't take any of it as more than just musing on my part.
   So here's the question: at what point was I actually saved?
   If you've read my testimony, you've heard me tell about my experience of Christ back in 1976 while a teenager living in Green, Ohio. My testimony will suggest that this was a genuine salvation experience, but I've never really been that solid on that question. After "coming back to God" or being saved last year, which ever is the most accurate description  of what happened, I felt for the first time in a while that I had indeed encountered Christ that night. But, in my studies over the past few months I've come across some sources that make a compelling case regarding "false conversions" that have led me to question the true nature of my experience again.
   I've said all along that I've never been sure what actually happened to me, and that after walking away from God shortly after this I would have been the most surprised guy in the world had I died and found myself being ushered into heaven. I never quite made it to full fledged atheist status, but I was very, very close much of the time.
   So, that near total loss of faith begs the question I've posed above. How could it be that I could have actually been saved and then walked away to live the lion's share of my life in utter rebellion? Ray Comfort, founder of Living Waters Ministries and  author of The Way Of The Master feels that I couldn't have. In his piece True and False Conversion he compellingly suggests that modern evangelism pushes a sunny version of Christianity that fails to convict people of their desperate peril while in their unregenerate, sinful state and, therefore, their need for a savior. By pushing love, joy, and peace before waking a sinner up to this plight, the modern evangelist lays the ground work for false conversion wherein the person believes they are accepting  Christ without being truly repentant and isn't therefore saved. Furthermore, he points out that the Bible clearly states that a truly regenerate sinner will exhibit clear evidence of that regeneration.
    Makes a ton of sense, and I'm nearly convinced. But what of those who understand in advance the notion that they stand condemned without Christ? That was my circumstance. I grew up attending a Baptist church and understood quite well where I stood.  The Jesus freaks who presented the gospel to me that night certainly did push the peace/joy/love angle. But I understood quite well that I was hell bound without salvation. (Of course, in my immaturity I completely misunderstood forgiving grace.)  I was no doubt hungering for peace/love/joy that night, but I already knew full well that in Christ was the only escape hatch from Hell.
    So, while I completely agree that false conversion exists (for the Bible tells me so!), and that a person unaware of their perilous sinfulness does need that understanding before repentance is possible, that alone doesn't convince me that mine was for sure a case of false conversion.
   But what about the evidence in my life -the "fruit of the spirit"  as Paul put it? Ah, now we're getting closer. I did walk away and indulged myself to the full extent of my resources and opportunity. I did eventually get to a place where I scoffed at Christians and Christianity. I did harbor bitterness, hate, lust, etc.  I lied, stole, blasphemed, coveted, dishonored my parents, committed adultery and murder in my heart, dabbled in idolatry, and all the rest without much conviction  that I should do try to do otherwise. Guilty. So, the fruit of the spirit certainly wasn't evident in my life.
   Ray goes further, though, when making his case for false conversions. He suggests, backing it up Biblically, that if one is true saved it would be impossible to turn away. That a heart having the Holy Spirit dwelling within will be single purposed. Fixed. I can find no argument to refute that idea.
   So, when I add it all up it looks like mine was the instance of seed falling on the rocky ground from the Parable of the Sower. I had a shallow root that wasn't tapped into the spring, and when Satan came to confuse my faith I wilted.
   But then my experience is a little at odds with all of this. First was my experience in that Ohio bedroom when I had something profound happen. I could have been merely emotionalism - a creation within my own mind. But I can assure you it seemed very, very real. As I wrote in my testimony, I felt the actual presence of Christ in the room.
   Then there was the fact of a sort of underlying morality even during my most sinful days. By Earthly terms I was a pretty good person. I certainly didn't bear any great malice towards my fellow man. I didn't seek to hurt or take from anyone. I rejoiced when encountering human kindness and sought to exhibit the same. Ah, but this proves nothing, really. There are tons of good people who have and will perish in the end having not surrendered to Christ. All I can tell you is that I subjectively felt something informing me along the way. I wouldn't have called it God during those years, but I've surprised myself at times when I've found it within my heart to sacrifice for others. I can't prove it was His guidance, but at those times the sacrifices I was making seemed to me to be quite contrary to my usual self-serving viewpoint. Could have He have been operating in the background all the while?
   I have no firm conviction either way. The rocky ground scenario is in the lead, but, I'm going to skirt out to the end of branch and propose something I don't find in the Bible and can't back up. So, take this with an enormous grain of salt. Here it is: I've heard many times people speak about "planting a seed" which would sprout over time. "When witnessing, you never know when you might be planting a seed which will sprout years later," I've been told. So, maybe it's possible that the seed that was sown in my heart that Winter night in 1976 did fall on good ground after all, and it took thirty four years to germinate?  Nothing I've read in the Word so far supports this idea, but then nothing refutes it either.
    So that leaves me still questioning. In the final analysis, it's really doesn't matter. This is all just curious speculation on my part. What matters is that I now belong to him. My gratitude for that fact is boundless.
     

Baby Steps

   As I pointed out in my last post, I had what I'm calling my "rebirth" day a couple of weekends ago. And since this blog is intended as a record of and an outlet for insights as I've come across them as a baby Christian, I thought it'd be good to reflect on my impressions from the last year.
    The most surprising thing from the past twelve months, I'd say, has been that I've found myself in a constant state of struggle. I suppose I'd fallen for the cushy promises of modern evangelism which tout the positives of Christian conversion while downplaying the negatives. (Something Christ could never be accused of!) So when I had my moment with God last year, I kind of expected that I'd be granted instant spiritual maturity, bottomless insight, and a great deal more shelter from temptation than I've experienced. I anticipated sunny skies!
    But, as I alluded to in that last post, the Enemy began lobbing shells on me virtually from the first, and that barrage has continued without interruption since. I really expected this to be easier, and even though I wrote in my testimony that I understood that I'd be under attack, the fact is that knowing you'll come under attack and actually being under attack are entirely different things. Somewhat like how discussing the physics and biology involved in the experience of touching a hot stove - how at a certain temperature metal will begin to sear the skin, and that the nerves in the fingers will transmit an intense pain impulse to the brain, etc - differs from the full, deep understanding that comes from touching it.
     Still, even knowing on a certain level that I'd be under pressure, I also expected a lot more help in this combat. What I've found, however, is that it's His will that I suffer the consequences of constant failure in order that I learn (hopefully!) and grow and conquer as independently as possible. Or, if you want to used the "Baby Christian" analogy, He's willing to let me stumble and fall in the short term so that I'll learn to walk on my own in the long. And while that's been difficult, I thank Him for it! Just as I can now understand and be thankful to my parents for letting me learn the hard lessons that have led to me being an effective, capable adult, I thank God that He's allowing me to stumble along the path in order to eventually strengthen my stride, my confidence, and my endurance. And I can only conclude that my struggles are necessary to prepare me for whatever role He has in store. Someday, soon I hope, I suppose I'll be spiritually mature and up to speed. Until then...

    I'd really been hoping that my faith would have been strengthened from without rather than from within. Well, my faith has been bolstered, but as with the spiritual warfare God has let me learn and study and experience in such a way to accomplish this slowly and without any Road To Damascus moments.
   But I've been very encouraged as I've studied the Word that so many of the great Biblical personalities have had their own struggles. Peter was one of Christ's inner three most intimate followers and was singled out to found Christ's church, yet how often was the admonished as "ye of little faith"? ( And, talk about letting a believer stumble in order to learn! Christ allows Peter to be "sifted" in the courtyard, repeatedly deny him in the hour of his greatest need, realize the depth of his betrayal, and spend a few days in anguish over said betrayal while presumably learning from the experience only to commission this impetuous disciple with the greatest of responsibilities prior to the ascension. That's some encouragement right there!)  I'm likewise encouraged when I read that many  (most, probably) notable and effective men of God  have endured their seasons of doubt only the emerge more solid in their belief than ever.
    So, as a new convert I find that it's quite easy to question my salvation when I find myself tripping over my sinful nature repeatedly or shooing away nagging swarms of doubtfulness way more often that I feel I should have to, and then read through 1st  Peter. OUCH!
   But, I have to pause in those moments and reflect on the inexplicable blessings and convictions I've had over the past 12 months. The most impressive thing to me is that I'm still at it a year later. If my faith was anything short of genuine I believe that I'd have lost interest long ago when the first hint of difficulty arose. That's been my usual modus operandi in the past when I've gotten "into" something in a big way. I can burn with enthusiasm for a short while, pour myself and my energy into that activity or ism, and then wake up one morning to find that the groove has deserted me. This inconsistency has always been one of my most formidable character flaws. I feel that's it's largely responsible for the fact that I've never achieved in proportion to my ability. Given that, it seems to me that if all this was just something akin to a hobby, I'd have abandoned it months ago.
   Yet, in these past twelve months I find that I've not read any book that wasn't the Bible, a commentary on the Bible, or some other non-fiction Christian literature. My interest and my quest for intimacy with my Lord hasn't waned! I look forward to church three times a week even though I don't find it entertaining and sometimes not even particularly interesting.(and don't even get me started on the music!) But I'm consistently motivated to go and worship my Creator. In my case this is very, very telling. Not to mention reassuring. Something's going on that's neither short term nor shallow.
    I've found that my attitude toward materialism has been pretty drastically changed. I never was terribly materialistic, but I find that I now have much less interest in "stuff." Most stuff just seems like an impediment  to my service to Him now. Not that there aren't  nice things I'd like to have, but I no longer view them as having any innate power to bring me contentment. There are things which would certainly enhance my comfort or enjoyment of my Earthly experience. But none that could ever begin to matter in light of my relationship with Christ, and most of it would merely serve to weigh me down. I'd love to be rid of 90% of what I now own, and if I were the only person involved I would be. (I count this as very much a gift from God, and recognize that I'm only relieved of greed by His good grace and could be attacked on that front before the period goes on this sentence.)
    There have been times, as with the music, when it's obvious that the Holy Spirit is working through me. I love these times! Once I became strongly convicted that I should do something for a certain individual and did that thing at the first opportunity. I was blown away to find out from that person that the very thing I'd done had been prayed for - AND IT HAD BEEN ASKED FOR ABOUT THE SAME TIME THAT THE CONVICTION CAME OVER ME! Amazing!
     As much as I love those instances of His obvious presence in and around me, the usual response I've gotten for the past twelve months has been a vast silence as I've sought His voice. But as  I begin my second year of salvation, I pray that this quest to learn and grow as a Christian doesn't fade. Indeed, I pray that my ardor will  grow many times stronger. I pray that the faith, love, and wisdom that I continually ask for will be granted to me - either as a simple gift or as a result of hard lessons learned. I pray that He will make of me an effective servant and that I can see others brought to faith through His work in me. And I pray that when I encounter the open doors He provides, that I have the courage to walk through them into whatever future He has planned for this believer.     
    Until and unless He speaks to me I suppose His silence will have to suffice for me until that wonderful moment when I slip the bond of this body and this world and at last stand face to face with my Lord. 

Ain't Gotta Sing Them Blues No More

This is me doing a few numbers for our church's Fall Festival on Oct 23,2011. Not great audio quality, but it is what it is!

Blessed Milestone - It's my Rebirthday

  One year ago today I was saved while riding in a red Chevy on I-24 through Chattanooga.
   I'd love to say that it's been pure bliss since, but the truth is that Satan didn't much appreciate me pulling up stakes and heading Heavenward any more than plantation owners in the old south did when their slaves lammed it to the north. I was his for 50 years, and with just a few more unsaved years I'd die in my sins and be his for eternity.
   Nope, Satan wants me back on the plantation. So for the past twelve months I've experienced a constant barrage aimed at the foundations of my faith and at my human weaknesses. This started within minutes of the moment that God's love broke through to me.
   I've already told the story of the day this happened and the goofy scene where Melanie needed to go into Costco leaving me to cry in amazement in the parking lot. Well, a few minutes after that we stopped into Dunkin  Donuts for coffee. And, again, Mel ran in while I waited in the car. We were parked directly in front of the door for the Little Ceasar's Pizza that shares the same building with Dunkin, and as I waited the door opened and a young woman emerged with a stack of pizzas. She stood there not 7 feet directly in front of me propping the door open for a the person who had accompanied her, so there was no missing the fact that she was there. There was also no missing the fact that she was dressed in a form fitting, glittery, and quite short dress, and that this dress barely concealed a very lovely body.  She'd been blessed with physical perfection, and that perfection was on obvious display right in front of me. Understand, if my lustful nature had ordered up an image she would have filled that order to a tee. And there she was, and there wasn't anywhere else to look.
   She probably stood there 20 seconds waiting for her companion thereby giving the whole scenario plenty of time to break up the spiritual high I was experiencing twenty minutes after the moment of my salvation. The attempt failed, and I immediately recognized it for what it was: an attack. I just laughed and thought "nice try, Satan. Kind of blunt and ham handed, but you get an "E" for effort!"
   Well, that was an assault I let roll off of me with humor, but it was merely the first salvo in what's so far been a year long siege. The enemy's tested my defenses at every point and has pushed every button of weakness I have in an effort to lead me away from my Savior. I'm happy to report that I'm still on the narrow and difficult path leading ever upward,  but I need your prayers as I continue to fight the good fight.
 
(I've often wondered why that girl was in what was essentially a disco dress shortly after noon on a Saturday buying pizzas. The best I can come up with is that it was Saturday in October - game day - and that she was headed to some sort of football party. But in a short,slinky,glittery dress? Hmm...)
    

"Go Time" became, "er, Not So Fast Time"

   Sooooo. Why didn't I jump a few weeks ago when I felt the conviction to jump? Cowardice, most likely. But, here's the deal: As I wrote earler, I was I feeling convicted that God had a place open for me in Christian broadcasting, but, strangely, I was also feeling that He would have me simply leave the job I'm in. No finding the other job first. No parachute. Just. Jump. And I balked.
   It's not small thing to act on such a conviction under the current set of circumstances. We're in the midst of some very tough economic times, and I realize that I'm really, really lucky to be in a job with a degree of security. I've worked at this hospital for over 20 years and have tons of experience and seniority. I'm not guaranteed a job, of course, but I did survive a recent downsizing. Add to all this that I'm now in my fifities with a pretty major physical disabiity, and it wouldn't be hard to see why potential employers would regard me as cryptonite. I probably wouldn't hire myself if I were on their side of the desk.
   Meanwhile, back at the ranch, there is a whole heapin' helpin' of financial responsibility. The bills must be paid, and Melanie is already working more than she ought.
    So, walking away from my current situation was nothing to taken lightly. One pivital queston, then, boils down to whether or not I was correct in thinking that this was his voice and not mine? Was this truly God speaking to me?
    It's tempting to want to ask God for some sort of Gideon like sign. Lay out a fleece, as it were, and wait for confirmation. That would be a mistake, of course. So that leaves me to face this conviction solo. As it is, nearly all of my energy goes to simply making a living, and, while it's a pretty good job, it's not much in terms of personal satisfaction. It's a pay check. All this energy and time goes to serve Mammon (well, Mammon lite) while I long for the time to dedicate to His service. Right now neither master is getting his due from Your Humble Blogger.
   Either I believe or I don't. Trust him, or I don't. And I'm really wrestling with this right now. If I'm wrong, the consequences are pretty grim. But I'm reminded that the Bible is peppered from cover to cover with stories of unlikely, insecure, unqualified men being asked to step up and do His bidding. As I said before, crazier things have been asked of saner men. And his request of me carries vastly less risk than attacking a superior enemy on poor ground.
   If you're reading this, please pray for me - that I'll come to understand with perfect clarity what God wants of me, and that I'll summon the courage to fulfill that demand. I'm going to dedicate some serious prayer, quiet time, and introspection to this.
  

" ♫ Fame! I'm gonna live foreverrrr ♫" Well. no, actually.

   For some reason I was ruminating on fame this morning. Or, more specifically, the perils of fame. From a worldly perspective movie stars have it all: they're beautiful, wealthy, famous and can have just about anything they want while never having to work in the sense that most of us understand the word. They enjoy life in a manner which Average Joe can scarcely even imagine. What fly could possibly be in this ointment?
   Well, it's this: fame is among the worst, if not the worst of lifes spiritual stumbling blocks, and the famous face an almost insurmountable barrier between themselves and God. Consider that these people literally have it all. They have every reason to love this life, to revel in it, and to pay little heed to the next. To put it in other terms, they have an great, huge, ton to lose (again, from an Earthly perspective) were they to embrace Christ. Think of it - they have to understand unlikelihood of anyone possessing not only the combination good looks and talent which brought them to fame, but the luck. Against all odds these fortunate few find themselves at the pinnacle of humanity. They are holders of the golden ticket providing them with riches and adoration, while the mass of their fellows toil in relative obscurity with average looks and modest paychecks. They have the leisure and means to jet off to exotic locales for extended stays and look fabulous doing it.
   It's not difficult to understand why they would be less than receptive to Christ's entreaty to abandon it all and follow him. For we of modest means to abandon our lot is quite a different thing than it is for them to do the same.
   In fact, that's why I think we see such a near total rejection of Christianity in among the famous. And even when they do answer what I believe to be their ingrained push to seek God, they nearly always fall for some modern, "boutique" religion like Kaballa or Scientology which will allow them to sport the outer veil of spirituality while leaving them to enjoy their wealth and renown. And those are the few that admit to any supernaturalilty at all. Otherwise sex or politics or drugs or environmentalism or whatever will  serve as inadequate stand-ins for the God they've rejected. A sad attempt to fill the void their Godlessness has created with man's foolishness.
   But their challenge has another aspect that may well be worse.  The egos of most people are kept in check by reality. There are those with personality difficulties, of course, but for our Average Joe mere life serves as a constant reminder that life doesn't revolve around him. But not so for the celebrity. They, in most cases I would guess, are surrounded by constant adoration. Heads turn in any room they enter, waiters fall over themselves to please these VIP guests, crowds scream out their love, young women (or men) are theirs at the nod of the head, any demand will be met by those desperate to bask in a little of the reflected glow of their fame.
   But the destructive effect of all this on a person can scarcely be calculated. The human spirit just needs to hear "no" more often than not. I hold that there can be no true happiness in the absence of humility. I held the same position prior to becoming a Christian, but now I recognize that this is because God will not accept a prideful heart.
   Singer Stephen Stills was known as a pretty nasty guy at the height of his fame as a member of Buffalo Springfield and, later, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young in the 1960s. Speaking of this later in life he said, "I was twenty two, and everybody I met told me how great I was. Under those circumstances it's not a matter of whether or not you'll lose your poise, but when."
   So, living, as they are, in a world determined to exalt them as gods and in so doing shields them from any possibility of humility, how difficult is it be for these people to ever experience the sort of true brokenness necessary to prepare the heart to receive the holy spirit - to open themselves to the one true Savior and accept the free gift of salvation?
   I say these people need our prayers and compassion.  

Song of Gratitude

Here's my latest song:

¡La Mũsica!, ¡La Mũsica!

    A lot of music being written right now, for some reason. And I know it's not me writing it 'cause I've never really come up with anything that satisfied me when I was attempting to write secular music. But now...music.
    Here's how that plays out: I'm not trying to write or even expecting a song, then I'll hit upon a cool chord progression, get a theme in my head, and wham-bam, Bob's your uncle, the song has written itself.
   Sometimes it takes a few days for all of the lyrics to gel, but they do eventually. And when it's happening I tend to get pretty emotional. I mean, this is the Holy Spirit working through me, I'm very much aware of it, and it blows my mind every time. ,
    So last Sunday night I'm in the middle of this process when Katie comes downstairs and finds me with tell-tale tear tracks all over my face. Awkward! The result of that session was "Song of Gratitude", which I like better than any song I've written to date. I'll try to record a couple of these this weekend and post 'em.
    But, all this music flowing out of me naturally begs the question: Why can't I sing?  I have slightly better than average, but still modest, guitar skills, and now I'm writing original tunes. Seems He'd have gifted me with an acceptable voice as well if music has some part in His plans for me, doesn't it? But, I'm relegated to life with barely one octave of vocal range and even those precious few notes are poorly modulated. Well, that's his business, I suppose, and I'm just beyond grateful that he's choosing to work through me in this way. There was always a reason that I became fascinated with guitars as a tiny kid. I always knew I'd learn to play, but even after I worked my way to semi-competence on the strings the music never really took off for me. It's been something that, with the exception of a brief stint in a Bluegrass band, I've mainly consigned to my living room. I guess He was reserving his rights to my music, and I'm thrilled that it's now pouring out of me like this.
    All this means that I'm now actively seeking a musical collaborator. Someone with a voice and hopefully some instrumental skills who can bring to life these songs that I can only barely squeak out. And I hope this person comes along soon. Or persons, for that matter, 'cause a smallish, acoustically based group would fit my bill quite nicely. Another guitar, a base, percussionist. I'd dig it.
     (Of course, all this hinges on whether or not anyone else likes my songs as much as I do. Jury's still out on that one.)
    While I'm on the subject of song writing, let me share this: A few months ago I had this song process happen for the first time as I described in my post "Out Of The Blue." I felt that God was challenging me to not just sit on this song, but to share it right away. In church. Which I did.
    Well, a couple of nights later I sat down for some quiet time and Bible study, and prayed beforehand asking God to calm my mind, bring clarity, and, if He would, direct me to the passages he'd have me read. I wasn't really expecting much in that regard, but immediately "Psalm 33" came to mind. Understand that I'm no Bible scholar. I'd been at it for less than six months that night, and I certainly didn't know the Bible well enough to know what was there.
    So, I turned to Psalm 33 and this is what I found:

    Psalm 33:1-3
   Rejoice in the Lord, you righteous ones;
   praise from the upright is beautiful.
  Praise the Lord with the lyre;
  make music to Him with a ten-stringed harp.
  Sing a new song to Him;
  play skillfully on the strings, with a joyful shout.

   This is an amazing God we worship, friends.

   Speaking of being asked to pray out loud in church, I was. Wednesday night. I think I may have sensed that this would be the night he'd finally give me the nod, 'cause I'd turned it over to God a few minutes before: "Lord, if I'm called, hows about you take it, eh?" That's worked in the past. The day I gave my mini-testamony, for example. Anyway, I got through it. I have little idea of what I said, but I kept it brief and then took some razzing from our pastor due to the milestone.
   Look for another post coming this weekend with some thoughts on what feels like a stalled conviction on my part., and, hopefully, some sound files. I know I've been AWOL for a couple of months. Don't be hatin'!

The Fog

Hey! Who's up for another Appalachian Trial analogy?


Anyone who’s done any significant hiking in the Southern Appalachians has most likely encountered some pretty intense fog. As the warm moist air of the Southeast is uplifted on contact with the mountains it encounters the cooler air at higher altitude causing these thick, pea soup conditions. It’s because of persistent fog that we’ve named them the “Smokey Mountains.“ And during my travels on the Appalachian Trail I’ve experienced times where I’ve hiked nearly entire days unable to see more than a few feet at best.
Under those conditions it’s especially important to literally watch ones step. Even on a good day it’s possible to lose ones bearings, find that you took a wrong turn a mile back and have to backtrack. Enshrouded in dense fog, that difficulty multiplies, so constant vigilance is required in order to stay on the path.
It can also be dangerous. Since trails often skirt along steep drop offs and even cliffs, it’s conceivable that one could simply step over the side.
All this is quite exhausting, and not at all exalting, because, as you reach the crests of those mountains you know that, but for the fog, you’d be enjoying a beautiful vista with fifty miles or more of visibility. Those mind blowing mountains are out there behind the veil, but you have to walk on by without this pay off from your climb.  It’s very frustrating, and by the end of such a day you’re wet and tired and discouraged.
Isn’t this very much like what we encounter in the course of our modern lives? As Christians attempting to keep to the narrow path it seems that the World is always there to obscure the way and lead us off course. These days we live in a media cocoon of sex, degradation, and materialism. It’s everywhere, and it sends up a seductively pervasive siren call enticing us to feed our lust, greed, and self-absorption. The din is constant, and deliberately leaves precious little, if any, time to look inward or outward – to be still and know that He is God.
Even though I strive to find quiet in my own life, extended silence is proving to be an elusive quality. Eight hours a day I work in an office in which the radio plays full time. My coworkers insist on it. And whether Top Forty Pop or Christian Contemporary – I find them both equally distracting. I’ve come to treasure the solace of my commute to work. I used to listen to music or news during my daily drive time, but since giving myself to Christ and coming to recognize the value of quiet I now turn off the radio and drive in blessed silence.
In the evening I arrive home to the constant presence of television. And oh what an immoral wasteland that is! A typical evening of channel surfing will find a group of immature and oversexed, exhibitionistic young adults living their self-absorbed lives out loud on the “reality” show Jersey Shore, a cable news host self-righteously picking over the bones of the latest tragedy or scandal, any number of morally vacuous network series, and a group of you men (or young women) exhibiting all manner of adolescent shenanigans and/or vicious subterfuge to supposedly win the heart of a designated bachelor or bachelorette. All of it ugly and all of it empty. Looking for something a little more high minded? Well you can tune into The National Geographic Channel to hear their take on “The Real Jesus.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t trust anyone to tell me anything about Jesus that can’t be found in The Word.
Television isn’t without merit. You’ll find the occasional gem there, but doing so is pretty daunting.
And let’s not forget the Internet. Hey, I’m a blogger and a podcaster, so it’s obvious that I’m quite at home in the Digital Universe. The World Wide Web is, hands down, the most powerful communication medium ever. Power to do good, and power to destroy. I’m now involved in using that power to share the Gospel and my personal experiences as a Christian, and it’s been an incredible resource in that regard. But I can’t open my in-box without encountering multiple offers for this or that sexually oriented service. The most heartbreaking I’ve seen in a while is for a site offering to connect married or committed people with each other touting the tag line, “Life is Short, Have An Affair.”
One can harness this power for good or for bad. Facebook and other social networks have exploded in membership recent years to the point of becoming true phenomenon and making billionaires of their developers. And I think they’re pretty cool. I‘ve reconnected with tons of friends I most likely never would have heard from had it not been for Facebook. It’s a great service if kept in perspective, but far too many find themselves spending hours a night chatting or playing on-line games available there while neglecting their families and while neglecting God. (Your Humble Blogger is quite guilty on all counts)
But when I accepted Christ last October, I was able to make a very public confession of faith to the two hundred or so friends I have on Facebook. And I’m frequently heartened to see others share bits of scripture or requests for prayer there. So, this can be a very positive tool when used sparingly. Still, despite all it’s potential positives, it should be recognized that social media is part of the noise and should be kept in perspective.
I don’t’ think I even need to go into the terribly corrosive effect of on-line pornography. That’s the fog at it’s thickest.
And aside from the electronic media, keep in mind that magazines, newspaper, and billboards also contribute to the mantra: BUY, AMASS, LUST, WANT!
Recognize this for what it is: A smoke screen, a fog sent up by The Enemy to block our view of God’s glory, obscure the path, and, perhaps, lead us hopelessly astray. We may even walk off the very edge all the while believing our next step will fall firmly on solid ground.
But there’s great news - we can turn off the fog machine whenever we want. Sure, we live in Satan’s world, and will by necessity have to move through the fog. But, in our own homes, in our own cars, in our private places we can gain control of the fog. We can judiciously limit our TV and Internet time. We can turn drivetime into Godtime. In so doing we can see through to the glory of God's reality.
As believers it’s vitally important that we do so. We need to find time each day to shut out the noise, the melt away the fog, and simply be with out Lord. Scripture revealed Christ doing just that time and again:

Matthew 14:22-23 Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone,

So I resolve to redouble my own quiet time. And to not allow the pressing urgency of the World, an enticing television schedule, or the lure of the Internet to draw me away. And I resolve to watch my step when I can’t help but move through the fog. It’s tricky ground out there, let’s all be careful!

PODCAST!

 Hey! I put together a little podcast reading of my previous post "Essientials." http://prodigalswalk.podomatic.com/player/web/2011-08-31T12_36_41-07_00

Smithereens

Break me, Lord.
Shatter the sinful man,
and leave not one stone upon another.
Grind down the pride and lust and hatred.
                 but,
from the dust of those ruins,
    build me anew - deep of foundation - true to plumb,
        high, and higher still,
'till all can see, revealed at last,
a monument to your love.
Break me.
Lord.
I pray.

What's it gonna cost ya?

In my first post for this blog I wrote about my impatience with my spiritual progress and the fact that I was a bit disappointed to find that I wouldn’t simply be granted relief from temptation and other manifestations of a heart reborn in Christ. I still experience on-going frustration with the struggle to rise above my base instincts to follow Christ’s path.
  

   I’ve gotten angry at times – with God and with myself – that I’m not stronger or that I don’t seem to be getting any help with the resistance. (Maybe I should say that I don’t seem to be getting any obvious help.)

   Today, during my quiet time commute to work, it occurred to me that I wasn’t looking at this problem from the right perspective. Because, if I’m making an offering to God, then it needs to count for something, right? If God were to simply shelter me from temptation then what would be the value of my resistance - my sacrifice? I’d be offering nothing. Indeed, I’d be doing nothing since there be nothing to resist. No opportunity in that circumstance to offer anything to God.

    Viewed from that perspective, then, the question becomes “do I love God more than I’m drawn to this Earthly thing?” Does my relationship with Him take precedence over whatever sin I’m battling?  And, if the answer is yes (and it is!), then the very difficulty of the struggle makes it a sacrifice worthy of God.

     Psalm 51:17  reads:

        The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit. God, You will not despise a broken and humbled heart.

     A  humble, broken spirit will move a Christian to remain obedient to God and faithful to their spouse, even with in the heart, despite the sometimes nearly overwhelming biological drive not to.

     A humble, broken spirit will willingly sacrifice wealth and material comfort, beyond our surplus, despite our inborn tendency towards greed, comfort, and security.

     A humble, broken spirit will summon up forgiveness even in the face of outrageous offense.

     A humble, broken spirit will love the unlovable.

    And because these things are difficult – because they’ll cost you – they become a fitting offering to our loving God who freely offers His forgiving grace to the undeserving. 

Go Time

Time to boogie!
   Something's happening. I've known since I came back to Christ that my service to Him wouldn't be a part-time affair. And, now I've come under a strong conviction to move, and move soon. In order to obey God I'm being shown a course that will require me to abandon the security of a job I've held for over 20 yrs during a time of economic distress. And this is going to take an enormous dose of faith and trust on my part.
   Not only is it the security of the job that's at stake. I owe way more that I should - the consequence of not being within  the will of God for all those years - and I'm a 51 year old man with Muscular Dystrophy. Finding another job under these circumstances in these times would be difficult if not impossible. God is asking me nothing less than to trust him with my entire Earthy wellbeing. Physical. Financial. Circumstantial.
   So I guess that it's time to put up or shut up. To prove that my newfound faith is more than fluff and feathers. And I'll admit, my friends, that I'm beyond terrified. But the conviction is strong. God is telling me that he has doors prepared for me to walk through, that he'll take care of everything, and that I need but to trust. Whew!
    I've been plagued, perhaps, by more than my share of physical difficulties. But I've also been blessed with more than my share of talents. And, the most convincing argument I make to myself to act on this conviction is this: If I die tomorrow, how will I explain to my Lord why I let gifts he provided gather dust while his plan went neglected and souls went unsaved? 
    It's time. I need your prayers proabably more than I ever have. I ask God tonight to give me the courage, insight, determination, and physical strength to follow his path. I'll be deep in contemplation and prayer over this.

It's a rainy night in Georgia. And it's rainin' all over the world...

Proverbs 16:18-19

   Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud

    Imagine you’re camping. (Oh joy! Yet another camping analogy!) You’ve found the perfect campsite. The smell of the forest is wonderful, all around you everything is sun dappled and green, and the sound of the babbling brook is music to the ears.

    So you pitch your tent, make everything tight, and open out your sleeping bag. Everything is in place and perfect! You’re ready to spend a relaxing night in the woods. Then, at three AM you’re awakened by what sounds like a grenade being detonated within five feet of your tent. Incredible flashes of light clue you into the fact that a thunderstorm has blown up, and you’re suddenly not nearly so sure of your tent. “Did I hammer those stakes far enough into the ground?” you wonder. And as you’re laying there hoping that you’ll manage to remain dry ‘till morning the first drip hits you square between the eyes.

      When a tent is stitched together thousands of needle holes are created, and it’s necessary to seal those holes before you hit the trail. But, it’s virtually impossible to fill every hole, or to know which ones are neglected. You won’t know just how well you’ve done until it really matters and in my experience the tent will leak every time and in many places at once. Rain will find a way in. It’s almost as though rain takes offense at very idea that someone would propose to spend the night outside and remain dry. “What? You think you’re gonna stay dry in my forest? Think again, Chief!” So rain’s onslaught will be relentless – every seam tested, every possible weakness tried.  

    This is how I view pride. Consider this: when one kneels in prayer it’s unlikely that lust or hatred or covetousness would creep into one’s consciousness unnoticed. These sins are glaringly obvious. They practically come with a siren and a flashing red light. With pride, not so much. It’s so maddeningly insidious that it can creep in anywhere and at any time – even into your prayers and every other part of your spiritual life. It’s like the ninja of sins – you never know it’s there ‘till it’s too late.

     In my case, the enemy, finding me now covered by God’s grace – my new spiritual tent, if you’ll allow me to torture this analogy – is immediately incensed. I was his possession! His Chump! He owned me,and he's in no mood to cede his former possession! "Think again, Chief!"
   And so he sends pride like the rain to test my defenses, it’s relentless and can exploit even the smallest breech in the fabric of my shelter. Left unchecked, it’ll eventually soak through everything. (hmmm, sounds like that yeast of the Pharasees, eh?)

   I am a prideful man seeking humility. Lord, help me find the leaks and help me to stay ever vigilant. The rain will fall without ceasing from now on.

Just Let Go

It's more the heart, less he mind, that comes to understand God.
   Over the weekend I had an email exchange with a good friend regarding objections he has to Christianity (and presumably the existence of any god), and we proceeded to discuss C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity with the expectation that I’d be suggesting other titles as well. *

    I have read quite a lot since I began my own search for God just under a year ago now. In fact, this study has happily supplanted a lot of pastimes by which I wasted time in the past. And this intellectual approach has been immensely helpful to me. Not only in broadening my own understanding, but also in preparing me to defend my faith – something I’ve had to do more than once.

    But, though I discussed this in my testimony (under the This Prodigal’s Story tab), I think it’s worth reiteration here that the turning point for me came when I ceased trying to think my way to Him and simply invited him in.

     Among the Bible’s promises is that those who seek “with all (their) heart and all (their) soul” will find their way to God. My seeking took a new direction at the point when I fully understood this promise. This takes the responsibility off of the seeker, as I see it. God promises to do the heavy lifting, and this realization changed everything. No longer would I have to wrestle with the question of His existence.

     I figured that if I sought, in earnest, and didn’t find him then it would be His problem. All that mattered was that I was sincere in my effort and open of mind and heart.

     And for me it worked. I sought, and God made himself known to me. Or, rather, he reintroduced himself, since I’d already had a previous encounter with him.

      If you’re an non-believer who’s made his/her way here and is looking for a better final answer than “nothing,” perhaps you could find that answer by simply, and sincerely, opening your heart and mind and praying. When I did the same I wasn’t sure if I was praying to Anyone at all, and even though no other human being on the planet knew I was doing it, I felt silly. But I persisted, and  I found Him. The change in me, though ongoing, has been astonishing. You can have this, too.

     Ask yourself what you have to lose by asking Him in. The worst that can happen is that you’re no worse off than you are now. And the best that can happen is that best that can happen – eternal life and an intimate relationship with God. And that’s quite “something.”

*though this particular friend a super nice guy and not in the least a rapscallion, given some of my other past associations I've come to humorously regard my old address book as a "target rich enviornment" for witnessing!