Qorban

Qorban

Bob Neff - Flute

                                                     Don Pleskach - Bass/Vocals

Vince Peddle - Guitar/Vocals

Bill Graening - Keyboards/Vocals

Silvia Bryan - Violin

Chuck McInnes - Classical and Electric Guitar

[I've been over this ground before in my testimony, but since I'm posting the music, I thought I'd explain about  my memories of Qorban]

In early 1976 I was invited one night to an informal concert in the basement of my church in Green, Ohio. Truth is that when I was invited I was initially reluctant to go. I was new to Ohio and that church, so I didn't know the kids there very well, and until that time the only Christian music I'd ever heard was from the Baptist Hymnal or Southern Gospel - neither of which, to put it in the mildest terms, appealed me in the least. At best I was envisioning some sort of lame Up With People kind of thing.
   But Julie, the girl who'd called to invite me, assured me that this was nothing of the sort. I'd like it, she promised. And she was right. What I heard and the people I met were unlike any I'd encountered before. I was surrounded by young, joyful, outspoken Christians - both the band and the kids from the church - and they brought the gospel to me in a way I could hear for the first time. Later that night I encountered Christ personally. (whether that was my moment of salvation or if a seed was planted that would  sprout 35 years later, I can't say. You can read about this in excruciating detail in "This Prodigal's Story" on this blogs header).
    The band blew me away. I was a budding guitarist myself, and an intense lover of music. These guys were great musicians and song writers - very impressive - and a few of their tunes have stuck in my head right until current times.  A couple of weeks later Julie, who was friends with band members, again invited me to hear the band - this time at a coffee house in Cleveland. We rode up with the keyboardist Bill Graening, and I can't begin to tell you how great an experience that was for the fifteen year old I was then. There was just no parallel to this movement of young Christians back in my native North Carolina, and for this misfit kid to find himself immersed in  genuine Christian love like I experienced around these folks was, quite literally, a revelation.
   So, fast forward a few decades to 2010. After a lifetime of walking outside of God's will, I finally submitted my life fully to Him. (!) This led me to remember  back to that night in 1976 and the band Qorban. Wondering whatever became of them I googled the name to see if I might find some mention of them, but came up empty handed. But at the same time I also began to seek out my friend Julie on the net, and there I hit the mark. I found her and we exchanged a flurry of messages about the old times. Of course, our memories of the band were prominently featured. (Getting back in touch with Julie was huge! I counted her as my favorite Ohio friend, but I'd lost track of her after about 1978. I never stopped wondering where she was and what she was doing. So I was just overjoyed to find her again. I love that I've found lots of friends on the Internet that I would have never heard from again in the pre-WWW days.)
    Well, turns out that Julie has kept in touch with band member Bob Neff and his wife Donna. The band had recorded an albums worth of original material back in 1980 when it became obvious that Qorban had run it's course and they were all planning to move on. Complaining that her original cassette of that album had become unplayable, Bob was good enough to digitize the cuts from old cassette tapes he had and sent her a CD. To my delight she promptly got a copy into my hands.
   Popping it immediately into the CD player I was instantly flooded with memories. Some cuts, like Psalm 40, had stayed with me nearly intact over the years. Others I recognized after hearing them again, and others I'd never heard. Again, the musicianship - vocal and instrumental - and song writing were very impressive. These  guys are pros.  I recall a couple of covers they did: Larry Norman's The Outlaw, and Didn't He by Randy Matthews, and missed hearing those, but, like I said, this was all original stuff on the CD. There was another tune called Maranatha which is also missing here, so I assume it wasn't a Qorban original. But, it was a very pleasant experience to hear it all again after so long.
    It's obvious, listening to the entire CD, that this was a diverse group of musicians. Sometimes they're jazzy, sometimes ethereal, and with Spiritual Railway and Eatin' Beats Pickin' even throw a little country into the mix. Sort of Sea Level (or Sweet Comfort Band)  meets Dan Fogelberg  meets Poco! But it's mainly just their own sound. And the arrangements are very impressively intricate.The flute and violin lend real uniqueness. (I remembered that these guys were good, but I didn't understand how good at the time!)
    The more I listen to this collection the more I'm coming to appreciate it on purely musical merits rather than simply for my nostalgic connection to it. But I do feel connected to the music. I saw Qorban perform twice thirty-six years ago. But since God used them to speak to me, those two encounters have remained vivid in my memory all through the years, and the night I first met them, and Christ, stands out as the single most remarkable of my life. My gratitude toward my friend Julie and the members of this band for being there to plant the seed of salvation in my heart is incalculable.
    If you've stumbled upon my humble blog and haven't yet come to know Christ yourself, I hope you will soon.
  MORE VIDEO LATER

   I've lately come under the conviction that I should become more involved with Compassion International. I've sponsored a child for about the past year, but I'd like to contribute my time as well. April 22nd is Compassion Sunday where volunteers around the country will be doing presentations at their local churches urging others to join Compassion in their mission to help as many desperately impoverished children as possible through sponsorship of individual kids or through simple donations. I'll be among the presenters. Please take a moment to watch his and other Compassion videos I'll be posting in the coming weeks. Thanks!
A Pastor's Perspective from Compassion International on Vimeo.

Hopelessly Human

  I've been quite silent, blog-wise, for the past few weeks, but I have a pretty good excuse. About a month ago I got a call from my Dad that he was having chest pains. Dad's eighty two, has Lymphoma, and has an over thirty year history of heart disease. Well, in the ER it was discovered that he'd had a small heart attack. (When it's someone you love there's no such thing as a "small" heart attack!).
   This led to three hospitalizations, a tricky stent placement, and some pretty dismal days where it seemed doubtful that he'd recover to any significant degree if at all. In fact, there was a point where I was fairly certain I'd never bring him home at all.
   During the hospitalizations my sister Lynn and I found ourselves physically taxed way beyond anything resembling our comfort levels. I can't speak for her, but there were times when I was feeling pretty close to the limit of my physical and mental strength. For me this doesn't take much since my standard level of functioning is pretty close to maxed out daily due to Muscular Dystrophy. Add any thing extra, and I'm flagging pretty quickly.
   Now the point of all this isn't to whine (though I confess that I'm very prone to doing just that), but to talk about the lessons learned and insights gained during this time.
   God reminded all of us of his sovereignty is a very immediate manner. In the midst of a day where things were going pretty well for me, a Friday where I was counting the hours 'till I could go home for the weekend and enjoy my family, there came an abrupt change of plans which kept me from home for nearly the entire next week. And for my sister it was just the same. She suddenly found herself on the way from North Carolina, and wouldn't get home herself for a week and a half. Dad, of course, learned this on a deeper level than anyone. God holds all the cards.
    And it was a very real reminder that our busy human plans come to nothing. That our human strength comes to nothing. That we are all, ultimately, helpless before him. Hopelessly human, we are.
    For me there came a moment where I realized that I was completely out of resources. I can do nothing to positively affect my own physical condition. I could do nothing to improve my Dad's condition.  I was being called upon to shoulder more weight that I could shoulder, and in that moment I had to trust in Him to a greater degree than I ever had before.
    At the time it didn't feel like I was getting much help. I cried out to Him for the strength to bear up to the challenge, and just went on feeling exhausted. I was only afterwards that it occurred to me that I had shouldered the load. It never became more than I could bear. He came through.
    It occurs to me now that when I plead for His help it isn't, in reality, for simply enough, but enough to allow for my total comfort and then some. I'm asking for my way to be made easy. But we're never offered that guarantee are we? He promises to meet our needs, but not that our road would be soft and level. In fact, anyone paying attention to the gospels will understand that He makes no such promises at all.
   It's also occurred to me to consider just how much help we're constantly receiving without even realizing it. I shudder to imagine what I'd face were He to suddenly withdraw and leave me truly alone.
   1 Peter refers to our bring refined by fire in the manner that gold is refined. I take these times of stress as just such refinement. I've learned quite a bit about myself - both good and bad, and about God and his modus operandi. He's constantly teaching us. Refining us. And sometimes (usually, I think) that process is something less than the pleasant lesson we'd prefer.
    If what has happened with my Dad wasn't enough, my mother in law slipped and fell and cracked a cervical vertebrae (broke her neck, in other words), and after spending a couple of weeks in a very uncomfortable neck brace had to be rushed to the ER last night with an extreme headache. We're still waiting for word on that situation.
   Meanwhile, all of the worldly stressors that my wife and I have wrangled with over the past few years still exist. The weight is ponderous. God is indeed allowing us to struggle in order that we seek and rely upon his strength.
   I have in my minds eye the man I'd like to be. I've lived with the miserable mess of a man that I made of myself for quite long enough. I eagerly look forward to realizing a bit of the man He's forging. I pray that I stay out of his way long enough to get the job done.
    

Will the new year bring renewed spirit?

Okay, okay, OKAY then! No, despite my post The Fog a few months ago, I've not followed up with my pledge to redouble my quiet time with God. Nope, the world's just too busy sometimes, and I'll confess that I'm still apt to let it draw me away. But, It's only me who suffers from putting my time with Him on the back burner.
I well understand the vital importance to keeping the lines of communication open in any relationship, and there's no more important relationship that I have.
Sooooo, once again let me make a pledge - a New Year's resolution: I WILL TAKE QUIET TIME DAILY REGARDLESS OF WHAT'S DANGLED BEFORE MY EYES.
I take my spirtual growth and relationship with God very seriously, but it's well past time to have become more disiplined in that regard. So, here's to another year of walking with Christ. If 2012 turns out to be as fruitful for me as 2011, then I'll have made good progress indeed.

CAUTION: Christianity

(This post is very different from my usual Prodigal's Walk fare. First it's not at all about the struggle to walk upright with our Savior. And it takes me, for the first time here on these pages, into politics and political philosophy. I've studiously avoided this, but, still, today's topic is very relevant to Christians. Your Humble Blogger)

   I was disturbed last week when I read that an atheist group in Santa Monica, California appears to have  managed to manipulate circumstances in that city in order to block a parcel of city property from being used, as it has traditionally been, for various nativity scenes. The park in question has served for generations as a local "must see" during the Christmas season with it's many displays.
   But when a local atheist group complained the city, acting under the impetus of the current iron hand of political correctness, decided to parcel out the spaces in an open lottery in order to be "fair minded." That's where the problem arose: through some scheme the atheists wound up with nearly all of the spaces. Then cynically left them all but unoccupied. Only token displays were erected, and those exhibited the usual hurtful, slanderous style of these atheist evangelists.
   So what these misguided folks have revealed to us is that, despite their claim to a higher adherence to reason and fairness, what they truly seek is not a open dialog - a forum for opposing points of view - but to stifle and contain opposing points of view. They seek not merely the freedom to believe (or not) as they wish, but the power to deny others the same.
  I've watched in sadness as this upside down point of view has gained traction within the hearts of a  huge swath of our fellow Americans. It's amazing to someone my age or older who grew up in a very, very different society to witness the extreme speed by which our time tested national mores have been undermined and conquered. (I have a lot to say about this in regard to prophecy, but that's a whole 'nuther blog post.) But, though it's new to us in the here and now, historically this sort of thing is old news. The whole of human history is littered with one or another tyrant (or tyrannical political system) attempting to stifle truth and freedom of conscience.
   A few years before my salvation, but still embarrassingly late in life, I sort of had an earthquake in my own political thinking. I'd grown up on a steady diet of music, films, TV, and books which pushed the liberal point of  view. Virtually all who'd I'd come to regard as heroes shared this point of view.  So I'd come to see conservatism as being a cold, lifeless, heartless political philosophy bent on denying  all of us freedom of conscience. I swallowed the progressive point of view unexamined.
   Then came the emergence of  "political correctness." The heavy handed and nearly insane crushing of any divergence from progressive thought by force of firings, boycotts, slander, even the enactment of clearly unconstitutional "hate crime" legislation. The central characteristic of this PC movement was imbalance. While claiming to herald a new era of fairness the PC crowd consistently behave in just the opposite manner.  Rather than counter a point of view they disagre with with reasoned argument, these folks opt for shouting down the opposition, and with a huge leg up from the press.  But why, I pondered, would there be any need for coercion if that point of view actually the best, most reasonable option? Well, there wouldn't be. Truth stands alone, but lies must be constantly propped up. To which side, then, should we attribute coercion?
   As I began to take note of all this, it dawned on me that I'd been had. That I'd grown up free to speak my mind and think as I wished in a country run predominately by conservatives, and that I had only begun to feel that my rights were being abridged once liberalism gained traction. Since then I've watched as the left has consistently abused every power they've come to gain. The scales fell from my eyes and I abandoned my liberal inclinations.
    Today we're witness to this latest manifestation of progressivism - the early stages of genuine religious persecution taking root within the very country founded on the basis of liberty - religious and otherwise. Sobering, to say the least.
   Last night I watched a movie which featured a segment set in revolutionary China. Anyone with eyes to see and ears to hear should recognize that the level of oppression represented by that era of history represents the logical end of progressive ideology. Those who weren't true believers and/or didn't find themselves in a position of power within that China were nothing more than slaves. When a government finds it necessary viciously root out any and all literature, music, or art it does not specifically sanction and force it's citizenry into re-education camps, then the ism they're imposing is obviously illegitimate. It's hopelessly counter to human nature. It can't stand on it's own because it's not truth. Men can only be forced to espouse such an ideology at the point of a gun.
   Well,  the point of all this is to offer a word of encouragement to fellow Christians who may be feeling uneasy with this environment of anti-religion -and specifically anti-Christian - sentiment among so many in the U.S. There may be tough days ahead. We may see our rights stripped. It's conceivable that we or our children could see Christianity outlawed in the future. Those working under the deception of The Enemy are hard at work on the underpinnings of our society and have been for sometime.
   But consider where the Maoists or Stalinists are today. What of this communism that was to "liberate" mankind in the last century and dominate the world?  Where are any of the many, many isms that were imposed upon an unwilling populace throughout history? They've all fallen one by one. Gone. Dust.
    Truth has a plucky tendency to endure because men are hardwired, I think, to seek it out. Governments can ban books, art, theater. They can send those they're unable to cow into gulags or to the gallows. They can proclaim God dead and posit some mere flesh and blood human as a pathetic substitute. And men might obey and pretend to believe for a time out of fear - but these tyrants will never, ever snuff out truth. Like a stubborn ember, it will always smolder within the human breast regardless of circumstance and endure to reignite.  
   Take heart, Christians. The Savior in which you've put your faith emerged from within the heart of just such oppression I've described. His word has to spread the world around. His church has outlived every attempt to snuff it out. While the Ceasars , and Pol Pots, and Maos, and Stalins, and Pharaohs, all the kings of this world are all long dead heaps of dust, He lives. Why? Because truth endures and He is truth.
   Pray for our country, but remember also to pray for those still enslaved by darkness. 

Forgiveness - No So Easy

   Without question dredging up forgiveness in the face of ongoing offense is for me the most difficult part of living the Christian life. When it's a single "one and done" offense forgiveness isn't too difficult, but that which is ongoing is something else altogether. And it's clearly beyond my capacity.
    Yeah, in strictly human terms I have legitimate complaints. My toes aren't just stepped on, they're STOMPED on and the stompers just think we're dancing. But as a Christian I'm not expected to act according to human rules. I read a book penned by the founder of The Voice of the Martyrs a few months ago, and I was amazed at the stories of Christian's who were able to love and forgive their torturers despite the most inhuman treatment imaginable. Compared to them I suffer a mere trifle. Yet, forgiveness often eludes me. Those people got tons of something of which I still await even an ounce.
   I know that this is the most important of Christ's commandments - that we love and forgive regardless of the trespass. And I ache to possess that quality. As I wrote a couple of posts ago, I want forgiveness to be my default position. And I've prayed and prayed that He'd help me in this. So far, nothing. I can't figure this one. I know my heart, and I sincerely wish to be rid of this angry resentment. I've searched myself to find where I might be going wrong. I simply don't get it. Where are the fruits of the Holy Spirit when I need them most?

Peligroso!

   Just a quickie: It seems that a maximum of caution is called for when bearing the razor by which to shave and shave The Word in an attempt to get at some manner of theological purity - some inner core. You may a: cut your self, and b: find in the end that you're left with nothing more than a lap full of shavings.
   Father, help me to discern Your intent and to discard that which You never intended.

Learning Curve

   I was a little brutal to myself in that last post, but this one's more upbeat. Last year both during the searching and after the salvation, I was in the process of reading Lee Strobel's "The Case For Christ". If you're unfamiliar with that title, it book was the chronicle of Lee's exploration of the veracity of the New Testament as the cynical, atheistic legal editor of The Chicago Tribune. After two years of research he realized that far from disproving the gospels, he'd proven to himself that Jesus was the unique son of God. Lee gave himself the Jesus, and today he's one of Christianity's greatest defenders both in print and in front of a microphone.
    But it's not the subject of the book I'm here to talk about so much as what this recent reread has revealed to me about my own progress in Biblical study. The first time I read it much of the scriptural references were very alien to me. When he talked of Paul or Isaiah, etc. the names were just names. So, while I certainly hung in with the narrative, a lot of the subtlety was lost on me.
     This time, though, I find that I'm getting much more out of it. I understand the background significance much more fully. I get it. So much so that I find myself a little surprised by it. So, this past 13 months of study has had a bigger pay off than even I realized.
   And that's just 13 months. I'm looking forward to having years and years of study under my belt! If you're a new Christian reading this my advice is to immerse yourself in The Word as though nothing else matters. Nothing else does.

(I highly recommend "The Case For Christ" if you haven't read it!)
http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-case-for-christ-P001063503

Would You Like Some Cheese To Go With That Whine, Hugh?

Ephesians 4:14,15 - Be no longer children, but grow up in Christ.

This one gets a little personal:
   There still exists within me a petulant child who thrives on self-pity, indolence, spite, resentment, and anger. It's the self-same aspect of my character that has crippled me throughout my adult life and undermined every effort on my part to realize my potential as a man with my particular set of abilities. It's that voice that justifies cowardice and laziness within my mind when the moment calls for courage and diligence. The temper that lashes out childishly at the least criticism. The rage that bubbles up from deep within so easily. The whisper that keeps me planted in my pew rather than shouting the gospel to the rafters. The thief of my self-confidence. The fog that obscures the finish line and causes it to seem impossibly unattainable. The poison that reminds me that I am, after all, Hugh Owens - notorious loser-nothing and joke.
    I despise this part of me, and I've felt at times that I was at last putting a some distance between the regenerated Christian man and that old, ineffective self. But always, always, always I find myself responding to life's slings and arrows in the same old way, and then afterwards I realize that what had seemed like progress was only a brief period of relative easy going that didn't really challenge me and therefore didn't trigger the re-emergence of that guy. Fair skies and calm seas don't put a boat to the test.
    So, how do I put this child away forever? Why is he so tenacious - following me even into late middle age? Christ tells me that I'm no longer a slave to the old self, and that I can shake off those shackles any time. But in that critical moment it's soooooooo difficult to remember this and to tap into His power in order to bring forth the humility to counter my wounded pride and the forgiveness to counter my churlish resentment.
    I've written more than once on this blog about my frustration with my glacial spiritual progress. And it's my impatience that brings the topic to the fore again. I want this OVER! I want my default response to life to be peace, joy, love, calm, and forgiveness. And I know that this is the desire of my Lord as well, so I have to trust that it's necessary to me to learn to overcome this rather than to simply granted victory. But it's same petulant child described above that's impatient and a bit resentful about this just at the moment.
    So, yeah - I'm very frustrated, but there's a glimmer of hope. I can see progress and change in so much as I now recognize this behavior soon after the fact, and sometimes during. The desire to change this, and the weak but growing ability to look at myself honestly and ask for forgiveness from those I lash out at and for strength from God is clearly a fruit of the Spirit manifest in my life. And I pray, Father, that you do continue to open my eyes and to redouble my resolve to rise above the flesh and become a truly effective servant.

Thoughts On Freewill

   Probably anyone reading this will have, at one time or another, had their heart broken romantically. And if you have you know that for a time this is unbearably painful. You love that person and they love you and everything is wonderful. Then suddenly they don't love you anymore. They move on and you're left holding the bag, and if they're moving on to someone else your pain is many times multiplied. Ouch!
   It could be that during your grieving you may have thought to yourself: "I wish I could make them love me again."  You wish you could make them love you. I bet that's a more common wish that we'd realize. The idea of love potions or spells is even a common theme in secular literature.
  So do a little mental exercise with me for a bit and try to imagine that you could, by some artificial means, make someone love you. Do you think you'd be satisfied for very long with that "love"? I say no. And here's why: you'd quickly discover that this love you received from your hearts desire wasn't love at all, but something more akin to an act in a play with you as director or playwright and your beloved reduced to a mere actor. Or an automaton you could program to act and respond as you wished. And that's far from love, because, among other things, love is something freely given. Something you confer upon another not through coercion or force, but of your freewill. That's the minimum condition for the existence of love. It's something other than love if not freely given.
   Now, let's shift the focus of this exercise from our human relationships to our relationship with God. He brought the material universe into existence and created Earth with just he right conditions to sustain human life for one purpose: to enjoy loving communion with us.Want to know the meaning of life? What it's all about? We're here to love God. Deuteronomy 6:5 tells us: And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.
   But in order that that love have meaning, for it to be true love on our part, God had to take an enormous risk by granting us freewill. Yes, he could have programed us to act as he wished, but that would have made us little more than robots or puppets utterly unable to render to God what he truly wants from us: love.
   So, we were offered the option of accepting or rejecting his love. God asked Adam and Eve to love him and to manifest that love as obedience in not eating of the tree of knowledge.  But disobedience was just what happened  in the garden. Overwhelmed by temptation we opted to reject his love and attempted  to set ourselves up as our own gods. We fell from grace by our own freewill.
   Then, even though we deserved it, He refused to give up on us and made a way for our reconciliation. Still, He will never force Himself on us. Setting the table and inviting us in is as far as He's willing to go. It's entirely up to us to accept the invitation.
   Meanwhile, The Deceiver constantly assails us offering up cheap, Earthly baubles in exchange for our salvation. And like any good confidence man he doesn't take us by force. He takes us by finesse. Isn't it the World's ultimate irony that all those who scoff so bitterly at Christians for being unthinking, weak minded, fools are, in actual fact, Satan's chumps.  Falling for the con they've seated themselves at his table anticipating what appears to be a sumptuous feast, and that feast will only be revealed to be rotting, putrid filth in the end.
   Lord, I pray that you help me redouble my caution in how I spend my freewill.
    

Feet Don't Fail Me Now!

I was at the used bookstore this afternoon and saw something that, as a writer of blog titled on the metaphor of the walk with Christ, gave me a huge kick.
This is the biggest used book and CD store in Chattanooga, McKay's Used Books, and the place is huge. I knew where the Christian section was, but as I was heading there I noticed that they've placed these little orange "Christianity" feet to guide those looking for it. Out of the many, many genres of literature available there, there was only this guide and one with blue feet for "childrens books".
So, while tickled about the cool imagery and all, I'm even more impressed that the Christianity section is so frequently sought that it merits it's own guiding feet!

Montreat Wrap Up

  Well, I had a very nice two and a half days up in Montreat, and capped off my time there with a visit to the amazing Billy Graham Training Center at The Cove. If you can manage it, I highly recommend a little time off the hamster wheel in a place like Montreat to spiritually and physically recharge.
   Montreat (for mountain retreat) is Presbyterian enclave just outside of Black Mountain. It's kind of famous as the home of Billy and Ruth Graham. There's a beautiful little college there, and a lot of missionaries retire there. Very peaceful and idyllic.

My View of Montreat from the Assembly Inn

    I went up with specific questions. Specifically, does he truly want me to seek some role in Christian broadcasting, and was I hearing him right about quitting my job? I got answers to both.
    But those answers came within a larger message: "Slow down there, Chief!" Basically, I got that I was kind of getting ahead of myself. I was reminded of my relative spiritual immaturity and that I've not even done so much with the one "talent" I was given (Matthew 25). First things come first, and I'm going to need to testing, proving, and seasoning before He'll set me loose with anything big. I may not be a "baby Chrisitan" at this point, but I'm certainly no more than a toddler.

The Gate at Montreat

    So, no, he doesn't want me to leave my current job unless and until I've nailed something else down. And, anything like broadcasting will have to wait 'till I'm not still constantly stumbling in this prodigal's walk with Christ.
    He also showed me that at this point I'm way more prideful than I thought I was. This relates to the spiritual immaturity thing, I suppose. But, I'll have to get my heart right before I begin putting myself out front very much. If I can't honestly search myself and come up with no self-serving pride, then I have no business stepping up.

    So, I feel that I need to ramp up my service in small ways within the church, keeping to he background for the most part, continue to study The Word, hone my writing skills, and grow as a Christian for now. Maybe later, if I've been faithful with the little things, perhaps he'll make the radio thing happen.
   It took me until today to digest all this and let what he was revealing to me to come into focus.  ((I got in late yesterday afternoon), and I praise Him for what I've learned.

Vestibule view of the Chatlos sanctuary. 

    Okay, let me tell you a little about The Cove. Melanie and I stopped by last February during at trip to N.C., and we were blown away by the beautiful Chatlos Chapel. It's the most beautiful building I've ever entered, and, like everything else at the cove, you kind of feel the Graham's spirit (not to mention The Holy Spirit!)  in the place.
    The volunteers and staff are just amazingly friendly and they were fine with me just having the run of the chapel. For a time I was by myself, and I sat alone in that beautiful sanctuary and prayed undisturbed. Wow.

View from the front

 

Ruth's Prayer Room

 Just upstairs from the main sanctuary is an intimate prayer room with a round table (seen in the photo) that I understand Ruth Graham designed. I was sitting to the side enjoying the room and filling out a prayer request card when a tour guide arrived with a couple and one other young woman who I later over heard saying was there for a personal retreat. The tour guide was kind of amazing. She'd been a missionary to Guatamala, and was now spending her retirement years as a volunteer at The Cove. When she asked if we'd like to have a prayer I jumped at the chance. So this group of strangers knelt and joined hands around the same table which Ruth and Billy have knelt, joined hands, and shared a prayer. To say that I was enjoying the moment would be an exercise in understatement.
   I'm going to start putting a little money aside right now so that Melanie and I can attend one of their seminars there. Kind of pricey for this low wage earner, but it'll be worth it.
   I commented to the bookstore lady how lucky she was to work at such an amazing place, and she  gestured to the window behind her which framed a beautiful forest and agreed. "There are just no words to tell you. I come off of the interstate into beautiful, peaceful place." Indeed.
   If any reader ever gets a chance to visit or attend a seminar DO IT! You'll come away from this place with a  little slice of the Graham's mojo and feeling warm and blessed.
   I'll add a few more photos. I took all these yesterday. Ciao!

This is a 400 yr old pulpit the Graham's found while in England. 

Another view of the prayer room

 
 

Montreat

Old Joke:
   This guy Mike gets too close to the edge of a cliff loses his footing and falls. But on the way down he manages to catch onto a branch jutting out of the face of the cliff. So he immediately begins yelling for help when there's suddenly a voice from above.
  "Mike, everything's going to be fine. Relax."
  "Oh, thank goodness! Hey, I'm hanging by a thread here! Please hurry and throw down a rope or something!"
    "Mike, there wont be any rope. This is God, you see."
    "God?"
    "Yes. Now, I'm going to get up back up safely, but first I need you to let go of  the branch."
    "Ummmm, you want me to let go of the branch?"
    "Yes, everything will be fine. Just let go."
    There was a pause, and then Mike replied, "Is there anyone else up there?"



  In a few hours I leave for three days of solace at Montreat, North Carolina. There's a retreat center there , and they offer fairly inexpensive lodging for those seeking quiet and solitude. There aren't TVs or Internet, and I only plan to take one book - well,  a few translations of one book. But there will be no other distractions.
   This is something I've wanted to do for a while now, and I'm pretty stoked that it's coming up. Fact is I really need a little time off of the hamster wheel of my life. Seems that by the time I work my 8 hours I'm usually pretty beat. There just doesn't seem to be time for the quality of prayer time I feel like I need right now. If I get confirmation of the convictions I've been under for a while, that hamster wheel may be reoriented pretty soon. I hope so.
   As you'll have read, I'm feeling moved by God to make some pretty scary changes in my life. Risky stuff, and before I let go of the branch, so to speak, I want some time for quiet reflection and prayer. (And the fact that Billy Graham will be a few miles up the mountain can only help!)
   Speaking of the Billy Graham Training Center at The Cove, I really wanted to go there. It's only about ten miles from Montreat. But it's a little expensive for me, and when I prayed about I felt moved that the less expensive Montreat was better.
   Anyway, I have questions, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to be quiet enough long enough to hear the answer.
   Please pray for me.

   Here's a little promo vid from Montreat if anyone is interested:
http://www.montreat.org/about/promo-video

Saved, but when exactly?

   This post wont come close to settling the question it's about to pose. Don't take any of it as more than just musing on my part.
   So here's the question: at what point was I actually saved?
   If you've read my testimony, you've heard me tell about my experience of Christ back in 1976 while a teenager living in Green, Ohio. My testimony will suggest that this was a genuine salvation experience, but I've never really been that solid on that question. After "coming back to God" or being saved last year, which ever is the most accurate description  of what happened, I felt for the first time in a while that I had indeed encountered Christ that night. But, in my studies over the past few months I've come across some sources that make a compelling case regarding "false conversions" that have led me to question the true nature of my experience again.
   I've said all along that I've never been sure what actually happened to me, and that after walking away from God shortly after this I would have been the most surprised guy in the world had I died and found myself being ushered into heaven. I never quite made it to full fledged atheist status, but I was very, very close much of the time.
   So, that near total loss of faith begs the question I've posed above. How could it be that I could have actually been saved and then walked away to live the lion's share of my life in utter rebellion? Ray Comfort, founder of Living Waters Ministries and  author of The Way Of The Master feels that I couldn't have. In his piece True and False Conversion he compellingly suggests that modern evangelism pushes a sunny version of Christianity that fails to convict people of their desperate peril while in their unregenerate, sinful state and, therefore, their need for a savior. By pushing love, joy, and peace before waking a sinner up to this plight, the modern evangelist lays the ground work for false conversion wherein the person believes they are accepting  Christ without being truly repentant and isn't therefore saved. Furthermore, he points out that the Bible clearly states that a truly regenerate sinner will exhibit clear evidence of that regeneration.
    Makes a ton of sense, and I'm nearly convinced. But what of those who understand in advance the notion that they stand condemned without Christ? That was my circumstance. I grew up attending a Baptist church and understood quite well where I stood.  The Jesus freaks who presented the gospel to me that night certainly did push the peace/joy/love angle. But I understood quite well that I was hell bound without salvation. (Of course, in my immaturity I completely misunderstood forgiving grace.)  I was no doubt hungering for peace/love/joy that night, but I already knew full well that in Christ was the only escape hatch from Hell.
    So, while I completely agree that false conversion exists (for the Bible tells me so!), and that a person unaware of their perilous sinfulness does need that understanding before repentance is possible, that alone doesn't convince me that mine was for sure a case of false conversion.
   But what about the evidence in my life -the "fruit of the spirit"  as Paul put it? Ah, now we're getting closer. I did walk away and indulged myself to the full extent of my resources and opportunity. I did eventually get to a place where I scoffed at Christians and Christianity. I did harbor bitterness, hate, lust, etc.  I lied, stole, blasphemed, coveted, dishonored my parents, committed adultery and murder in my heart, dabbled in idolatry, and all the rest without much conviction  that I should do try to do otherwise. Guilty. So, the fruit of the spirit certainly wasn't evident in my life.
   Ray goes further, though, when making his case for false conversions. He suggests, backing it up Biblically, that if one is true saved it would be impossible to turn away. That a heart having the Holy Spirit dwelling within will be single purposed. Fixed. I can find no argument to refute that idea.
   So, when I add it all up it looks like mine was the instance of seed falling on the rocky ground from the Parable of the Sower. I had a shallow root that wasn't tapped into the spring, and when Satan came to confuse my faith I wilted.
   But then my experience is a little at odds with all of this. First was my experience in that Ohio bedroom when I had something profound happen. I could have been merely emotionalism - a creation within my own mind. But I can assure you it seemed very, very real. As I wrote in my testimony, I felt the actual presence of Christ in the room.
   Then there was the fact of a sort of underlying morality even during my most sinful days. By Earthly terms I was a pretty good person. I certainly didn't bear any great malice towards my fellow man. I didn't seek to hurt or take from anyone. I rejoiced when encountering human kindness and sought to exhibit the same. Ah, but this proves nothing, really. There are tons of good people who have and will perish in the end having not surrendered to Christ. All I can tell you is that I subjectively felt something informing me along the way. I wouldn't have called it God during those years, but I've surprised myself at times when I've found it within my heart to sacrifice for others. I can't prove it was His guidance, but at those times the sacrifices I was making seemed to me to be quite contrary to my usual self-serving viewpoint. Could have He have been operating in the background all the while?
   I have no firm conviction either way. The rocky ground scenario is in the lead, but, I'm going to skirt out to the end of branch and propose something I don't find in the Bible and can't back up. So, take this with an enormous grain of salt. Here it is: I've heard many times people speak about "planting a seed" which would sprout over time. "When witnessing, you never know when you might be planting a seed which will sprout years later," I've been told. So, maybe it's possible that the seed that was sown in my heart that Winter night in 1976 did fall on good ground after all, and it took thirty four years to germinate?  Nothing I've read in the Word so far supports this idea, but then nothing refutes it either.
    So that leaves me still questioning. In the final analysis, it's really doesn't matter. This is all just curious speculation on my part. What matters is that I now belong to him. My gratitude for that fact is boundless.
     

Baby Steps

   As I pointed out in my last post, I had what I'm calling my "rebirth" day a couple of weekends ago. And since this blog is intended as a record of and an outlet for insights as I've come across them as a baby Christian, I thought it'd be good to reflect on my impressions from the last year.
    The most surprising thing from the past twelve months, I'd say, has been that I've found myself in a constant state of struggle. I suppose I'd fallen for the cushy promises of modern evangelism which tout the positives of Christian conversion while downplaying the negatives. (Something Christ could never be accused of!) So when I had my moment with God last year, I kind of expected that I'd be granted instant spiritual maturity, bottomless insight, and a great deal more shelter from temptation than I've experienced. I anticipated sunny skies!
    But, as I alluded to in that last post, the Enemy began lobbing shells on me virtually from the first, and that barrage has continued without interruption since. I really expected this to be easier, and even though I wrote in my testimony that I understood that I'd be under attack, the fact is that knowing you'll come under attack and actually being under attack are entirely different things. Somewhat like how discussing the physics and biology involved in the experience of touching a hot stove - how at a certain temperature metal will begin to sear the skin, and that the nerves in the fingers will transmit an intense pain impulse to the brain, etc - differs from the full, deep understanding that comes from touching it.
     Still, even knowing on a certain level that I'd be under pressure, I also expected a lot more help in this combat. What I've found, however, is that it's His will that I suffer the consequences of constant failure in order that I learn (hopefully!) and grow and conquer as independently as possible. Or, if you want to used the "Baby Christian" analogy, He's willing to let me stumble and fall in the short term so that I'll learn to walk on my own in the long. And while that's been difficult, I thank Him for it! Just as I can now understand and be thankful to my parents for letting me learn the hard lessons that have led to me being an effective, capable adult, I thank God that He's allowing me to stumble along the path in order to eventually strengthen my stride, my confidence, and my endurance. And I can only conclude that my struggles are necessary to prepare me for whatever role He has in store. Someday, soon I hope, I suppose I'll be spiritually mature and up to speed. Until then...

    I'd really been hoping that my faith would have been strengthened from without rather than from within. Well, my faith has been bolstered, but as with the spiritual warfare God has let me learn and study and experience in such a way to accomplish this slowly and without any Road To Damascus moments.
   But I've been very encouraged as I've studied the Word that so many of the great Biblical personalities have had their own struggles. Peter was one of Christ's inner three most intimate followers and was singled out to found Christ's church, yet how often was the admonished as "ye of little faith"? ( And, talk about letting a believer stumble in order to learn! Christ allows Peter to be "sifted" in the courtyard, repeatedly deny him in the hour of his greatest need, realize the depth of his betrayal, and spend a few days in anguish over said betrayal while presumably learning from the experience only to commission this impetuous disciple with the greatest of responsibilities prior to the ascension. That's some encouragement right there!)  I'm likewise encouraged when I read that many  (most, probably) notable and effective men of God  have endured their seasons of doubt only the emerge more solid in their belief than ever.
    So, as a new convert I find that it's quite easy to question my salvation when I find myself tripping over my sinful nature repeatedly or shooing away nagging swarms of doubtfulness way more often that I feel I should have to, and then read through 1st  Peter. OUCH!
   But, I have to pause in those moments and reflect on the inexplicable blessings and convictions I've had over the past 12 months. The most impressive thing to me is that I'm still at it a year later. If my faith was anything short of genuine I believe that I'd have lost interest long ago when the first hint of difficulty arose. That's been my usual modus operandi in the past when I've gotten "into" something in a big way. I can burn with enthusiasm for a short while, pour myself and my energy into that activity or ism, and then wake up one morning to find that the groove has deserted me. This inconsistency has always been one of my most formidable character flaws. I feel that's it's largely responsible for the fact that I've never achieved in proportion to my ability. Given that, it seems to me that if all this was just something akin to a hobby, I'd have abandoned it months ago.
   Yet, in these past twelve months I find that I've not read any book that wasn't the Bible, a commentary on the Bible, or some other non-fiction Christian literature. My interest and my quest for intimacy with my Lord hasn't waned! I look forward to church three times a week even though I don't find it entertaining and sometimes not even particularly interesting.(and don't even get me started on the music!) But I'm consistently motivated to go and worship my Creator. In my case this is very, very telling. Not to mention reassuring. Something's going on that's neither short term nor shallow.
    I've found that my attitude toward materialism has been pretty drastically changed. I never was terribly materialistic, but I find that I now have much less interest in "stuff." Most stuff just seems like an impediment  to my service to Him now. Not that there aren't  nice things I'd like to have, but I no longer view them as having any innate power to bring me contentment. There are things which would certainly enhance my comfort or enjoyment of my Earthly experience. But none that could ever begin to matter in light of my relationship with Christ, and most of it would merely serve to weigh me down. I'd love to be rid of 90% of what I now own, and if I were the only person involved I would be. (I count this as very much a gift from God, and recognize that I'm only relieved of greed by His good grace and could be attacked on that front before the period goes on this sentence.)
    There have been times, as with the music, when it's obvious that the Holy Spirit is working through me. I love these times! Once I became strongly convicted that I should do something for a certain individual and did that thing at the first opportunity. I was blown away to find out from that person that the very thing I'd done had been prayed for - AND IT HAD BEEN ASKED FOR ABOUT THE SAME TIME THAT THE CONVICTION CAME OVER ME! Amazing!
     As much as I love those instances of His obvious presence in and around me, the usual response I've gotten for the past twelve months has been a vast silence as I've sought His voice. But as  I begin my second year of salvation, I pray that this quest to learn and grow as a Christian doesn't fade. Indeed, I pray that my ardor will  grow many times stronger. I pray that the faith, love, and wisdom that I continually ask for will be granted to me - either as a simple gift or as a result of hard lessons learned. I pray that He will make of me an effective servant and that I can see others brought to faith through His work in me. And I pray that when I encounter the open doors He provides, that I have the courage to walk through them into whatever future He has planned for this believer.     
    Until and unless He speaks to me I suppose His silence will have to suffice for me until that wonderful moment when I slip the bond of this body and this world and at last stand face to face with my Lord. 

Ain't Gotta Sing Them Blues No More

This is me doing a few numbers for our church's Fall Festival on Oct 23,2011. Not great audio quality, but it is what it is!

Blessed Milestone - It's my Rebirthday

  One year ago today I was saved while riding in a red Chevy on I-24 through Chattanooga.
   I'd love to say that it's been pure bliss since, but the truth is that Satan didn't much appreciate me pulling up stakes and heading Heavenward any more than plantation owners in the old south did when their slaves lammed it to the north. I was his for 50 years, and with just a few more unsaved years I'd die in my sins and be his for eternity.
   Nope, Satan wants me back on the plantation. So for the past twelve months I've experienced a constant barrage aimed at the foundations of my faith and at my human weaknesses. This started within minutes of the moment that God's love broke through to me.
   I've already told the story of the day this happened and the goofy scene where Melanie needed to go into Costco leaving me to cry in amazement in the parking lot. Well, a few minutes after that we stopped into Dunkin  Donuts for coffee. And, again, Mel ran in while I waited in the car. We were parked directly in front of the door for the Little Ceasar's Pizza that shares the same building with Dunkin, and as I waited the door opened and a young woman emerged with a stack of pizzas. She stood there not 7 feet directly in front of me propping the door open for a the person who had accompanied her, so there was no missing the fact that she was there. There was also no missing the fact that she was dressed in a form fitting, glittery, and quite short dress, and that this dress barely concealed a very lovely body.  She'd been blessed with physical perfection, and that perfection was on obvious display right in front of me. Understand, if my lustful nature had ordered up an image she would have filled that order to a tee. And there she was, and there wasn't anywhere else to look.
   She probably stood there 20 seconds waiting for her companion thereby giving the whole scenario plenty of time to break up the spiritual high I was experiencing twenty minutes after the moment of my salvation. The attempt failed, and I immediately recognized it for what it was: an attack. I just laughed and thought "nice try, Satan. Kind of blunt and ham handed, but you get an "E" for effort!"
   Well, that was an assault I let roll off of me with humor, but it was merely the first salvo in what's so far been a year long siege. The enemy's tested my defenses at every point and has pushed every button of weakness I have in an effort to lead me away from my Savior. I'm happy to report that I'm still on the narrow and difficult path leading ever upward,  but I need your prayers as I continue to fight the good fight.
 
(I've often wondered why that girl was in what was essentially a disco dress shortly after noon on a Saturday buying pizzas. The best I can come up with is that it was Saturday in October - game day - and that she was headed to some sort of football party. But in a short,slinky,glittery dress? Hmm...)
    

"Go Time" became, "er, Not So Fast Time"

   Sooooo. Why didn't I jump a few weeks ago when I felt the conviction to jump? Cowardice, most likely. But, here's the deal: As I wrote earler, I was I feeling convicted that God had a place open for me in Christian broadcasting, but, strangely, I was also feeling that He would have me simply leave the job I'm in. No finding the other job first. No parachute. Just. Jump. And I balked.
   It's not small thing to act on such a conviction under the current set of circumstances. We're in the midst of some very tough economic times, and I realize that I'm really, really lucky to be in a job with a degree of security. I've worked at this hospital for over 20 years and have tons of experience and seniority. I'm not guaranteed a job, of course, but I did survive a recent downsizing. Add to all this that I'm now in my fifities with a pretty major physical disabiity, and it wouldn't be hard to see why potential employers would regard me as cryptonite. I probably wouldn't hire myself if I were on their side of the desk.
   Meanwhile, back at the ranch, there is a whole heapin' helpin' of financial responsibility. The bills must be paid, and Melanie is already working more than she ought.
    So, walking away from my current situation was nothing to taken lightly. One pivital queston, then, boils down to whether or not I was correct in thinking that this was his voice and not mine? Was this truly God speaking to me?
    It's tempting to want to ask God for some sort of Gideon like sign. Lay out a fleece, as it were, and wait for confirmation. That would be a mistake, of course. So that leaves me to face this conviction solo. As it is, nearly all of my energy goes to simply making a living, and, while it's a pretty good job, it's not much in terms of personal satisfaction. It's a pay check. All this energy and time goes to serve Mammon (well, Mammon lite) while I long for the time to dedicate to His service. Right now neither master is getting his due from Your Humble Blogger.
   Either I believe or I don't. Trust him, or I don't. And I'm really wrestling with this right now. If I'm wrong, the consequences are pretty grim. But I'm reminded that the Bible is peppered from cover to cover with stories of unlikely, insecure, unqualified men being asked to step up and do His bidding. As I said before, crazier things have been asked of saner men. And his request of me carries vastly less risk than attacking a superior enemy on poor ground.
   If you're reading this, please pray for me - that I'll come to understand with perfect clarity what God wants of me, and that I'll summon the courage to fulfill that demand. I'm going to dedicate some serious prayer, quiet time, and introspection to this.
  

" ♫ Fame! I'm gonna live foreverrrr ♫" Well. no, actually.

   For some reason I was ruminating on fame this morning. Or, more specifically, the perils of fame. From a worldly perspective movie stars have it all: they're beautiful, wealthy, famous and can have just about anything they want while never having to work in the sense that most of us understand the word. They enjoy life in a manner which Average Joe can scarcely even imagine. What fly could possibly be in this ointment?
   Well, it's this: fame is among the worst, if not the worst of lifes spiritual stumbling blocks, and the famous face an almost insurmountable barrier between themselves and God. Consider that these people literally have it all. They have every reason to love this life, to revel in it, and to pay little heed to the next. To put it in other terms, they have an great, huge, ton to lose (again, from an Earthly perspective) were they to embrace Christ. Think of it - they have to understand unlikelihood of anyone possessing not only the combination good looks and talent which brought them to fame, but the luck. Against all odds these fortunate few find themselves at the pinnacle of humanity. They are holders of the golden ticket providing them with riches and adoration, while the mass of their fellows toil in relative obscurity with average looks and modest paychecks. They have the leisure and means to jet off to exotic locales for extended stays and look fabulous doing it.
   It's not difficult to understand why they would be less than receptive to Christ's entreaty to abandon it all and follow him. For we of modest means to abandon our lot is quite a different thing than it is for them to do the same.
   In fact, that's why I think we see such a near total rejection of Christianity in among the famous. And even when they do answer what I believe to be their ingrained push to seek God, they nearly always fall for some modern, "boutique" religion like Kaballa or Scientology which will allow them to sport the outer veil of spirituality while leaving them to enjoy their wealth and renown. And those are the few that admit to any supernaturalilty at all. Otherwise sex or politics or drugs or environmentalism or whatever will  serve as inadequate stand-ins for the God they've rejected. A sad attempt to fill the void their Godlessness has created with man's foolishness.
   But their challenge has another aspect that may well be worse.  The egos of most people are kept in check by reality. There are those with personality difficulties, of course, but for our Average Joe mere life serves as a constant reminder that life doesn't revolve around him. But not so for the celebrity. They, in most cases I would guess, are surrounded by constant adoration. Heads turn in any room they enter, waiters fall over themselves to please these VIP guests, crowds scream out their love, young women (or men) are theirs at the nod of the head, any demand will be met by those desperate to bask in a little of the reflected glow of their fame.
   But the destructive effect of all this on a person can scarcely be calculated. The human spirit just needs to hear "no" more often than not. I hold that there can be no true happiness in the absence of humility. I held the same position prior to becoming a Christian, but now I recognize that this is because God will not accept a prideful heart.
   Singer Stephen Stills was known as a pretty nasty guy at the height of his fame as a member of Buffalo Springfield and, later, Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young in the 1960s. Speaking of this later in life he said, "I was twenty two, and everybody I met told me how great I was. Under those circumstances it's not a matter of whether or not you'll lose your poise, but when."
   So, living, as they are, in a world determined to exalt them as gods and in so doing shields them from any possibility of humility, how difficult is it be for these people to ever experience the sort of true brokenness necessary to prepare the heart to receive the holy spirit - to open themselves to the one true Savior and accept the free gift of salvation?
   I say these people need our prayers and compassion.  

Song of Gratitude

Here's my latest song: